


You Can Be King Again

by maely1234



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is an empapath and telepath, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor is the shadow master, Dissociation, Eating Disorder, Evan can control and grow plants, Evan is gay, F/F, Heidi is literally the best person, I'm so happy I can say that you have no idea, Jared can go into electronics and stuff, Larry and Cynthia are trying but failing miserably, M/M, Magic AU, Recreational Drug Use, References to Underage Drinking, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempts, Who else would it be, Zoe can make music out of thin air, again its Connor, and Connor is bi, and it can have certain effects on people's emotional state, because both boys are hurting, because that is literally the perfect power for him, but also Evan, even if it doesn't always work, i can't tell if these tags are getting better or worse, im switching their sexualities, only slightly but he's not completely pure, past self-harm, probably should have put that sooner, references to sexual actions, suck it stereotypical labelings, thanks jared, we all know Connor swears like a fucking sailor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-12-03 10:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11530722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maely1234/pseuds/maely1234
Summary: "You think I'm the freak? Well you're the freak!" Connor shoved him, hard. Between the tile floor and sharp edge to Connor's voice, Evan wasn't really all that surprised at the aspen leaves that sprouted around him. But when he looked back up to Connor, Connor's gaze had widened, looking almost...regretful?Either way, Connor took a step back, his form wavered for a second, and then he simply vanished. Then Evan really noticed the eyes that were on him. Because yet again he made himself look like an idiot covered in leaves that were all over the floor. He would have to pick those up, and he wasn't sure if he could fit them all into his bag. What if they ended up spilling out in class? Then he'd have to deal with everyone staring at him and his weird leaves. Maybe he should just-





	1. Take It From Me

**Author's Note:**

> After getting inspired by the many, many beautiful fanfictions for DEH on here, I finally decided to write my own. Except since I love fantasy, I was just like 'Lets add magic!' And thus, this was born. I'm not really sure how long its going to be yet, but I'll update as often as possible. Enjoy!

Honestly, a part of Evan doesn't know why he came back. His cast is starting to become a lead weight, dragging him down. Maybe it's the atmosphere that draws him back, or maybe it's the memories this place holds. That's stupid though, because why would anyone like to come back to the place where they broke their arm?

It's quiet though, and its only him and the trees. No one is judging him, no one is staring at him, no one is laughing at him behind his back, no one is laughing in front of him. It's just him and the trees, and that's all he really wants. It's what he needs right now.

He walks up to one of the many fir trees, resting his hand on it for comfort. A warmth spreads through him as he truly relaxes, simply letting his barriers crumble in the tranquility of the empty forest. Something soft brushes against his cheek, and he opens his eyes to smile at the branch caressing his face.

_He remembered when he first learned about magic, in a time when his parents were still together and he wasn't the broken mess he was now, he had watched his father move the soil around by simply twirling a finger and his mom summoned water from nowhere. He was so amazed, he couldn't stop asking about what his magic would look like._

_"Well, there's no way to know until it manifests." His mom had explained to him. "It's different for everyone. A lot of times though, it'll be based on something you enjoy, or something you need."_

_Back then, he missed the sharp glances shared between his parents, the subtle warnings of what was to come._

_Then the cursed U-Haul truck pulled into the driveway when he was 7, taking his father with it. His mom comforted him all that night, through his childish questions, fears, and naivety. But no matter how much she assured him, even his 7-year-old mind realized it was his fault for their separation. He couldn't control the way he felt all his peers were watching him whenever he was in class, or the stutter that had quickly formed as he focused on the thousands of ways that things could go wrong. He knew his father had only grown more distant when he started having issues._

_His father had never even seen his manifestation._

Vines grow from his fingertips, wrapping around the fir, he feels the softness of the petals as flowers erupt from his scalp, curving themselves into his hair with ease. Normally, he would stop, normally he wouldn't let his magic get this far, not unless he wanted to deal with the snickers from his various classmates. Because, 'oh look, there goes the weird kid who has plants growing out of him.' His fears don't need encouragement as it was. But there is no one here now, save himself and the trees, and the trees can understand what his peers could not.

He didn't choose his magic, and the same goes for them. They knew that it was all up to chance. Why is it his fault if he got the short end of the stick? That his magic is stupid when compared to everyone else's?

Jared can interface with technology. Alana is notorious for picking up on thoughts and emotions. Zoe can make music out of nothing. Evan can grow plants and sort of communicate with them. The doctors said the plants are using his magic to move around on their own, responding to him in a sense, but Evan never cared for the technicalities of it all.

The point is, he doesn't understand why he's the designated outcast, especially when there was no reasoning behind it. Well, besides for his generally awkward nature. Okay, so maybe there is a reason for his outcast status, but that doesn't mean he had to enjoy it.

_"C'mon acorn," Jared turned back to address him. "you gotta tell my mom I was nice to you so she'll keep paying my insurance. But try not to vomit flowers when you see her, she has allergies."_

_"S-sure." He replied, fingers tugging at the hem of his shirt. He shouldn't have expected any different, considering he's been Jared's 'family friend-' god he hated those words- for a little over four years now, but disappointment and frustration still burned in his gut. He plucked the petunias blossoming in his hair and shoved them in his bag, wincing as something pricked his fingers. He looked down in surprise when he saw thorny vines curling around his hand, moving their way up his arm. Concentrating, he willed them to shrink, and they did, albeit reluctantly, until he could put them in his bag as well, sitting next to the petunias._

_It wasn't like he wasn't used to it, because he was. But still, he didn't think the feelings that came with it would fade. Then again, who was he kidding? There was a reason he didn't make friends. He wasn't a fun guy to be around. He gets to nervous and stutters and then the other person looks at him weird and he just gets more nervous, which leads to more stuttering. And that's not even mentioning his hands, they always got sweaty no matter what he did, or they were moving around awkwardly, or pulling at the hem of his shirt, or playing with some sort of flora. And god, his magic. His magic had little to no self-control, often giving him flowers or vines that responded to his emotions- which was nice, until it started trying to reassure him with his favorite plants whenever he was have trouble talking, and then he had to deal with the flowers and the other person looking at him like he was a weirdo and then never talking to him again._

Absentmindedly, he tugs one of the flowers from his hair, he recognizes it as a honeysuckle. He asks the grass lining the forest floor to make some room, which it obligingly does. Tucking the honeysuckle into the new patch of dirt, he wills it to grow roots, to take a firm holding in the soil so that it can thrive. It does, even growing a few new blossoms as well. He thinks that honeysuckles represent happiness, which was nice.

He walks forward, travelling down the well-known paths. He can't get out of his head though, especially not after the day's events.

_Jared had started it all, smirking as he strolled in front of Connor Murphy, Zoe's brother, if Evan remembered correctly. Honestly, Evan was kind of on Connor's side for this one, Jared was being an ass, egging Connor on like he was._

_Then he had shifted slightly, his hands finding something new to focus on besides for the growing pool of students who had stopped to observe the exchange. Connor had turned on him in an instant._

_"What are you laughing at?" Connor had a grip on the collar of Evan's shirt, his eyes bitter._

_"I-I was-" Evan tried to explain himself, but Connor's eyes only got darker as he spoke._

_"You think I'm the freak? Well you're the freak!" Connor shoved him, hard. Between the tile floor and sharp edge to Connor's voice, Evan wasn't really all that surprised at the aspen leaves that sprouted around him. But when he looked back up to Connor, Connor's gaze had widened, looking almost...regretful?_

_Either way, Connor took a step back, his form wavered for a second, and then he simply vanished. Then Evan really noticed the eyes that were on him. Because yet again he made himself look like an idiot covered in leaves that were all over the floor. He would have to pick those up, and he wasn't sure if he could fit them all into his bag. What if they ended up spilling out in class? Then he'd have to deal with everyone staring at him and his weird leaves. Maybe he should just-_

_"Evan?" A hand was reaching out to help him up, but he only needed the voice to recognize just who was talking to him._

_"Uh, yeah, j-just give me a- a second-" Evan gathered some of the leaves surrounding him before taking Zoe’s outstretched hand. "-sorry about that."_

_"Why are you apologizing? My psycho brother is the one that pushed you down." Zoe snorted, a concerned smile on her face._

_"T-that's okay, well, to you it’s not, but I'm kind of used to it by now. Not from Connor! Just, in general." Evan shut himself up before he could ramble any further, his hands going back to playing with his shirt._

_"I'll help you pick up the leaves." Evan saw the flash of worry that crossed her face, but she didn't comment on what he had said, thankfully._

_"Oh, no, no, no, y-you don't have to worry about it. T-they're really annoying and they slip out from your fingers and there's a lot of them- don't worry about it." Evan shoved the first handful of leaves into his bag, reaching down grab some more._

_"It's cool. It’s the least I can do to make up for Connor." Evan nearly froze, because he couldn't remember the last time someone had offered to help him simply to be nice. Although that wasn't completely true, she was just doing it to make up for Connor, she probably didn't want to do it at all- god she was going to hate him for this. Still, he made sure to pick up as many of the leaves as he could, making sure he didn't touch her hands, because he knew they were sweating by this point and he really didn't need Zoe knowing he had sweaty hands._

Needless to say, this morning had been a mess, and he was infinitely more grateful that this park was nearby. Ignoring the less than pleasant memories, the park is still his favorite place.

The grass tugs at his shoes, stopping him from running into the tree that is now only a few inches away from his nose. He looks up, his stomach pooling with dread as he recognizes the familiar texture of the apple tree. The only apple tree in the entire park.

_The bark stung his hands slightly, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He couldn't find it in him to care about a lot of things recently._

_One foot after the other. One hand above the other. The ground slipped away as he looked upwards, focusing on just getting as high as he could. He appreciated how the branches shifted so he could reach them easier._

_Once he thought he was high enough, he stopped, sitting down on a branch. He could feel the sun touching his skin, and for a second, the view was enough to rekindle his will to live. It didn't last long though, not with the realization that even now, he was still alone. He hardly saw his mom anymore. Jared only contacted him when he wanted Evan to come over, which was about once a month. He still hadn't been able to make any real friends, hell, he couldn't even order takeout because he couldn’t talk to the delivery person._

_He could disappear and it wouldn't make a difference._

_His mom could finally move on with her life without having to deal with all his problems. Jared could finally not have to worry about using him for insurance. The rest of the school wouldn't have to see the quiet, fidgety, awkward kid who never did anything._

_The plants would care though; already, a branch from the apple tree was wrapping around his arm, as if it was trying to keep him there. But in the end, it wouldn't affect them if he lived or died. They were plants, they could move on easier than people did._

_He coaxed the branch to release his arm before standing up. He only kept one hand on the tree to steady him, taking in the sky one last time. From here, it almost appeared to go on forever, expanding farther and farther past the horizon. For once his mind was calm, no anxious thoughts, no worries, no fears. He wished this was how it could always be, but he knew better._

_He let go, the world tilting as he was pitched towards the ground._

_He wondered if anyone would hear him as he hit the ground._

_Even as he was falling, he laughed to himself. Who was he kidding?_

Evan realizes he's shaking as he turns around to step away, and then another. His breath is coming out in frantic huffs, and he can feel tears sliding down his cheeks.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." The sharp voice snaps Evan out of his memories, and he scrubs his eyes quickly before turning to see who it was. For a second, Evan thinks he's hallucinating.

Connor Murphy was standing a few feet away, under the shadow of the apple tree, staring down Evan once again.

"Hansen?" Connor looks nearly as disbelieving as Evan feels, which is surprising enough.

"Hi- I mean, hey- t-that sounded even more stupid, sorry. I'm not used to- you know what, I'll just be quiet now." And just like that, Evan's sure Connor is going to turn right back around and leave him on his own.

Evan swears that he heard a small mutter that sounded suspiciously close to "fuck it" from Connor, before Connor steps out of the shade. For a second, Evan catches something metal that glints in the afternoon sunlight in Connor's pocket, but it's gone with a sweep of Connor's hand. Evan chooses to ignore it in favor the rising wave of panic as Connor walks closer.

"Look Hansen. I'm sorry about the whole shoving thing. Okay?" Connor offers out a hesitant hand, looking resolutely down at the grass below them.

Evan makes sure to wipe his hand against his shirt before tentatively placing his hand in Connor's. He really didn't need Connor to feel his sweaty hands, because then he would tell Zoe, and by that point Zoe would probably tell Alana or something and the entire school would know that he gets sweaty hands. "It's, um, i-it's fine."

"Cool. So, how'd you break your arm?" Connor asks, drawing his hand back to shove it in his pocket.

"It's k-kind of funny. I-I fell out of a tree. T-that one actually." Evan points to the tree behind Connor, and nearly has a heart attack as Connor gives out a snort followed by a wheezy laugh.

"Isn't that the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." Evan can't remember a time when Connor was laughing, or smiling for that matter. Was Connor just making fun of him in some roundabout way? Evan thinks that might make slightly more sense than what he's seeing now.

Connor looks at Evan's cast, his mouth curving into a small frown. "No one's signed your cast."

“Oh-”

“Want me to sign it?” Connor offered before Evan could begin to stutter out some pathetic attempt at a response.

“Wh-what? Oh no, you don’t have to. It’s really not that big of a deal. R-really.” Evan’s hands were definitely sweaty now, and he can feel the flowers rooting themselves in his hair. He’s half expecting Connor to laugh and call out the fact that Evan’s really just a giant loser who needs to get a grip.

But he doesn’t. Connor just raised an eyebrow and asked, “You got a sharpie or not?”

Evan fishes around his pocket for the sharpie his mother gave him on reflex, his mind still to preoccupied with the fact that Connor hasn’t come up with some excuse to leave yet.

“H-here.” He shoves the marker out in front of him, making sure that their hands don’t touch as Connor takes it from him. Connor holds out his other hand, and Evan realizes that he actually has to give Connor his cast to sign.

He practically flings his cast into Connor’s hand, biting back the pain as Connor accidentally twisted his arm a little too far.

“Sorry.” Connor mutters, his gaze flicking to Evan’s face for a moment before focusing on the task of writing his name on the cast. He writes it in big, sloping letters, covering most of the cast. “Why didn’t you just get it healed magically?”

“Ah- magic healing was a little too ex-expensive and my mom already works hard enough so I didn’t bother with it.” What Evan doesn’t say is that he had also wanted the cast so he could remind himself of his biggest shame, his darkest secret. So that he could look down and remember just what a failure he was. The idiot who couldn’t even do suicide right.

Connor steps back to admire his work once he’s done, mindlessly handing Evan his sharpie back.

“There, now we can both pretend we have friends.” The barely disguised pain and longing in Connor’s voice catches Evan off guard. And when Connor looks back up, Evan’s entire view of Connor is thrown for a loop.

There’s an emptiness in his eyes, a lack of caring, a lifelessness. Evan knew the look well, it’s like he’s staring into his reflection in the days before he broke his arm. It makes him want to just drop everything and wrap Connor in a hug, to tell Connor that there’s someone who cares about him, that it’s not worth it.

“See ya, Hansen.” Connor turns though, the moment fading as he walks back towards the shade of the apple tree.

Time seems to have slowed down, every step Connor takes away from him only building the pile of guilt and regret haunting the edges of his mind.

“Don’t kill yourself!” Evan finds himself shouting before he could process what he was saying.

Connor freezes, turning on his heel to stare Evan down, his eyes a storm of anger tinged with surprise. He hisses, hands clenched, “What the hell did you say Hansen?”

Evan is left fumbling for words, the initial push of whatever it was that prompted him to shout before long gone. “S-sorry, but you just looked like you wanted t-to- it was a stupid thing to say, sorry. Just, if you’re th-thinking about d-doing it, it’s not worth it. I-I-I…”

“No, no. Go on.” Connor is livid now, his voice a dangerous mix between a shout and a snarl. “Tell me exactly why I shouldn’t fucking off myself, because apparently you know much more than I do.” Connor raises an eyebrow as Evan stays silent, wondering if there’s any way to fix what he’s started. “What? Can’t think of anything to say? Then just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Wait, Connor-”

“Shut the fuck up Hansen. I’m sick of hearing the same shit. ‘Why would you do something like that? Don’t you want to live? It’s not worth it in the end.’ Bull-fucking-shit. Have you ever considered that the world would be better off without someone like me? So, drop the charity case act Hansen. Just move on with your normal little life and forget about me. Save your consciousness the fucking effort.”

Evan can hardly keep track of his own head by this point, let alone take in the fact that Connor’s face is now inches away from his own, the boy closing in with every word of his tirade. Emotions and memories run wild inside him, begging to be unleashed. He can see the peonies that are overflowing from his hair and falling onto the ground. Leafy vines are curling around both his arms, and he can see the surrounding trees reaching out their branches to offer support.

“It’s not like that!” Evan shouts, the raw emotion in his gut overriding his anxiety. “What do you know about me? I didn’t even fall! But you believed it no questions asked just like everyone else!”

Connor is the one reeling now, his eyes narrowing. “What are you talking about?”

“I- the tree, I didn’t even fall. I-I let go.” Evan gave a bitter laugh at that. “All th-that I ended up with was a broken arm. P-pretty pathetic, huh?”

“I- well shit, I’m sorry.” Connor runs a hand through his hair. “God I’m an asshole.”

“I’m sorry too.” Evan is taken aback by the confusion on Connor’s face at his apology. “I mean- I r-really shouldn’t have yelled, and I felt kind of bad about it, s-so yeah, sorry.”

Connor sighs, and Evan’s heart sinks, expecting Connor to turn right around their and leave before Evan can work up the courage to try and stop him again. But instead, a small smile emerges on Connor’s face. “Oh my god Hansen, do you really think I give a fuck about you shouting? If you haven’t noticed yet, half of what I say comes out in some form of screaming.”

“Oh, s-sorry then.” Evan scratches the back of his head, and is reminded of both the vines resting on his arms and the flowers sitting in his hair. “D-do you maybe want to sit and j-just talk? You don’t have to- I don’t think I could make you anyways, but I not like I’m going to try or anything like that.”

“Sure.” Connor says quietly. “Not like I have much else to do.”


	2. There's So Much More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the positive feedback, it fuels me!!
> 
> I think one of the hardest parts about this whole process is choosing which song lyric to use for the chapter title XD
> 
> Seriously, the song King by Lauren Aquilina is a beautiful song that happened to inspire this story, so if you haven't heard it before I would listen to it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk1vwYga02Q

"S-so, is there somewhere you w-want to sit? It doesn't really matter to me but some people don't like sitting in the grass and I don't think the park has any benches. I mean, I don't want you to be uncomfortable or anything cause then you'd be angry and I would have to-" Evan sucks in a breath of air, pausing his nervous rambling.

"I don't care. Got anywhere in mind?" Connor asks, his voice and gaze flat.

"Well, t-the trees are kind of worried, th-they would probably like it if we sat- wait, that sounds stupid doesn't it. I'm sorry, that was weird- I shouldn't have said that. L-let's just sit here." Evan stares down at the grass reaching up at him from the ground, not wanting to see Connor laughing at him.

"You can talk to trees?" Connor sounds incredulous, but there's not a trace of mockery, just slight interest and confusion. It makes Evan want to cry in relief, but that would be a disaster in itself.

Evan reaches out to touch a branch from the apple tree that had finally managed to get close enough. "I guess- m-maybe? The d-doctors said it was just them using m-my magic to move around and respond to my emotions. B-but they all kinda have their own personalities. And they give off general feelings about stuff. It's pretty stupid, let's just sit here."

"I already said I didn't care where we sat, didn't I?" Connor says, walking towards the apple tree once more. Almost as an afterthought, he adds, "Besides, your magic is still better than mine."

"Great!" Evan feels his face burning at his near squeak. "I mean, gr-great."

Evan asks the tree to let them up on one of its wider branches, and it maneuvers one down so Evan and Connor can sit on it without climbing. It lifts them up just enough so that their feet don't touch the ground.

Evan keeps a tight grip on the branch with both hands, tracing the patterns in the bark with his eyes. He wonders if he should say something to get the conversation started, but he knows that he'll just end up saying something stupid so he keeps his mouth shut. But what if Connor is expecting him to say something? Or is really too nervous to say something?

"So, I'm guessing the flowers are also part of your magic?" Connor interrupts Evan's frantic thoughts, much to Evan's relief, gesturing to the various flowers resting contently in between the strands of his hair.

"Uh, yeah. I c-can also grow stuff, flowers, leaves, vines…they just s-sorta pop up on their own sometimes." Evan pulls out a small bunch of hydrangea and twists it around in his fingertips.

"That's…nice." Connor says, seeming to struggle to find the appropriate word.

"I-I know it's dumb. You d-don't have to- to pre-pretend to think its c-cool or anything." Evan mutters, setting the hydrangea down on the branch. "No one else does."

"Are you kidding? Even that's better than the shit I'm stuck with." Connor snorts, giving the sky an icy glare.

"Wh-what is your magic?" Evan finds himself asking, then immediately panicking because what if Connor didn't want to share? "Sorry. You- you don't h-have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable- really. I've heard a lot o-of different things- nothing bad, well, a little bad- but I never really listened to them. Still, I w-won't mind if you don't answer. Sorry."

"You know you apologize too much, right?" Connor's glare fades, being replaced with a more relaxed look as he glances over.

"R-right, sorry." Evan replies on instinct, and Connor rolls his eyes jokingly.

"Forget about it, my magic lets me travel through shadows, that kind of thing."

"Really?" Evan smiles, he can only wish his magic was that convenient. "That's so cool- er, I mean, th-that sounds pretty useful."

"Yeah, it's fan-fucking-tastic when your family and half the school are convinced you'll just use it to go and fucking commit murder or something." Connor halfway snarls, and Evan flinches slightly, still unused to such a tone. Connor stops for a second, giving an apologetic sigh. "At least it lets me do stuff like this."

Connor reaches his hand back, hovering over Evan's shadow, outlined by the setting sun. Connor moves his hand sideways, and Evan's shadow moves with it, as does Evan himself. Connor stops his hand before Evan leans to far over; Evan snaps back to his original position as Connor releases whatever control he had over Evan.

"Um… th-that's cool." Evan's voice trembles, and he can't stop the shudder that makes its way across his body. He's only too glad to have his body back under his voluntary control. He doesn't want to seem rude, but being forced to move without his consent was chilling; and frankly, it wasn't doing his already high anxiety any favors.

Connor raises his eyebrows skeptically, but shrugs off Evan's response, muttering, "I guess."

They fall into an awkward silence once more, Evan frantically trying to find another conversation starter that didn't involve his burning interest in why Connor would even consider suicide. Because if he asked anything like that he was pretty sure Connor would blow up at him, and honestly, he couldn't take something like that again.

"What the fuck?" Connor's exclamation saved the conversation at least, even if Evan nearly fell out of the tree because of it.

Connor rubs his back, glowering at the small branch that was retreating from where it had jabbed his back. He looks at Evan, "Was that you?"

"N-no! I wouldn't d-do something like that, I swear. I'm s-sorry about th-that." Evan keeps his hands on the branch as he hunches down, trying his best to avoid Connor's accusatory glare. "I think the they're mad- the trees, since you… um, sort of sh-shouted at m-me."

"Seriously?"

"Of c-course I'm ser-serious. I-I wouldn't try and h-hurt someone with my magic, th-that's just wrong." Evan says, shoeing away any other branches that had been making their way to poke Connor. It's easier to focus on that then worry about how Connor was sure to leave now, he probably thought Evan was lying or something. Then Evan will be back to only being able to talk to Jared, and Connor might go after Evan in the halls for vengeance.

"Holy shit." Connor says, a full-blown grin spreading across his cheeks. "You are literally the Lorax."

Once again, Evan is taken aback by the sudden laughter spilling out from Connor. He tries his hardest to sound offended, but he's pretty sure Connor can hear the laughter in his voice when he sputters out, "Wha- I'm not the Lorax- that guy, that guy hardly did anything for the tr-trees. I'm m-much better than he- than he is."

Connor's laughter stops for a moment, Connor staring at Evan in mild shock. "Did you…did you just make a joke?"

"Maybe? I think I was trying to but I'm not really that great at making jokes. It comes with the whole anxiety thing. I don't really know why I said that- it just sort of came out. I probably sounded really arrogant though- and that's never good, sorry. It's just, it's never a good thing if someone's too confident, you know? Then they can be kind of annoying, and that means you probably think I'm kind of annoying and-" Evan refuels his lungs, his hand playing with the hem of his shirt once again.

Before Evan can continue his rant, Connor stops him. "Breathe Hansen, I just didn't expect it. No offense, but you don't exactly look like you could make a joke."

"Oh, sorry."

"Why'd you do it?" Connor asks suddenly.

"Do what?"

"Why'd you let go?" Connor is looking at the sky again, one hand shoved into a pocket of his jacket.

"Oh, um, I-I-I just, just…" Evan fumbles, searching for the words that could even begin to describe what he had been thinking back then, what he sometimes thought now.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to." Connor offers. "I just can't see why someone like you would want to die."

"I don't m-mind answering, it's just hard to f-find the words th-that really describe it, you know?"

Connor nods in silent agreement, and stays quiet as Evan thinks the question over more, something that Evan is grateful for.

"Have- have you ever felt like you could just disappear? And no one would notice or care? That they would be happier if- if you were gone?" A red anemone falls into Evan's lap, and he can feel its companions blossoming in his hair.

"Yeah." Connor agrees softly. And Evan gets it, he gets that Connor does understand, really and truly understands him. It hits him, the realization of just how much he had been searching for this kind of understanding, without the pity, without the assumptions, without the abandoning.

The two of them fall into silence again, but for once Evan isn't nervous because of it. He knows Connor is watching the sun sink into the horizon, same as he is. There's something about the way the sunset paints the land that is soothing. The grass is covered in orange and yellow hues, the sky similarly tinted. Evan thought he could even see a hint of purple hiding in between the brighter colors.

Of course, a sunset can't stave off his constant worries, and soon they're nagging the edge of his mind once more. Possibilities race around his head, what if Connor actually wants to talk now, and is mad at Evan for not saying anything? What if he says something, but ends up falling from the tree? Then Connor would laugh at him, and, and, and, and-"

"I'm going to head home, want a ride?" Connor slides off the tree branch, landing calmly on his feet. He turns his head up to look at Evan, and Evan starts internally debating which answer would be better. If he said no, Connor might take it the wrong way and then get mad at him. But what if he said yes, and Connor was just joking? Then he'd look like an idiot- well, more of an idiot than he already was, and Connor would probably just leave him here.

Evan starts when he feels his feet touch the ground, and sees the branch pulling back from where it had set him on the ground. He whispers his thanks, then turns to Connor, sucking in a breath before answering.

"Sure, i-if you really want to. It d-doesn't matter if you actually can't- I'd u-understand. S-so don't feel pre-pressured to take me home or an-anything."

"If I didn't want you to I wouldn't have asked." Connor replies, holding out a hand. "You coming?"

"Uh, I'm sorry, but what ex-exactly does h-holding hands have to do w-with going home?"

Connor smirks at that, starting to slowly sink into the ground. It's only then that Evan looks down, seeing that Connor was standing over the shadow of a branch. "I didn't exactly drive here Hansen."

"Oh, th-that makes sense." Evan mutters, mentally berating himself for the pointless question. He makes sure to wipe his hand against his shirt before putting his hand in Connor's. He goes still as the shadow extends out to include him in its reach, and he joins Connor in the descent into the shadow's embrace.

Sinking into a shadow actually doesn't feel like much, which surprises Evan. Sure, he can feel it get cooler as his head sinks into the darkness, but the shadows don't cling to him in any way. He shuts his eyes as the last of him is pulled down, and opens them to an unfamiliar world.

Everything was black, save for Evan and Connor. There was no horizon, no ending in sight. The sky was mostly white though, with black outlines etched into it. Evan slowly realized that the outlines were a reflection of the shadows in the real world, given the tree outline that they stood under.

"Welcome to, whatever the fuck this place is called." Connor speaks up, and Evan is pulled out of his staring to see Connor looking back at him.

"I l-like it." Evan decides. "It's peaceful."

Connor smiles at that, a smile that turns dark as he says, "Yeah, but don't let go of my hand, you'll get lost."

Evan wants to ask him about it, but thinks better of it. He knows well enough by now that a question like that would only make Connor upset. Instead, he goes with the safer response of, "O-okay, I live on Fairway Lane."

"How the fuck did you get to the State Park then? That road is a few miles from here." Connor asks, gently tugging Evan along as he starts walking.

"I- uh, I walked," Evan admits. "from school."

"Why?"

"I had k-kind of a bad d-day. Th-the park was a good place to c-calm down."

"And your house wasn't?" Connor sounds bitter, as if he had dealt with that before.

Again, Evan chooses not to comment on it, answering with, "Well, be-being around t-trees helps m-more than my house does. And this w-was the closest place w-with a lot of trees."

Connor hums at that, a small smile on his face and a scheming light in his eyes. Before Evan can start to worry about it, Connor stops.

"We're here." He announces, and Evan watches as Connor reaches upwards, the outline of what appeared to be a lamppost sinking down to meet his fingertips. Latching onto it, Connor pulls it until it bursts, so to speak, dripping down to cover them and pull them upwards.

"Th-that was fast." Evan remarks as they step out into the familiar setting of his street.

"I've memorized all the nearby streets by now, and distance is different down there, depending on how hard I'm concentrating." Connor answers, letting go of Evan's hand.

"Oh, I guess I'll see you to-tomorrow then." Evan says, his hand picking at the edge of his cast.

"Sure." Connor answers, and seems like he's going to turn and walk away, but he pauses, brows furrowed in thought. "How'd you notice it though?"

"Notice what?" Evan's eyes narrow as he tries to recall anything in particular that Connor might have wanted him to notice.

"This." Connor snorts, digging into his pocket to fish out a pistol of all things, holding it in his hand like it's not a dangerous weapon.

"H-How did you- how did you get a gun!?" Evan practically squawks, and he feels like he might be sick.

"Connections." Connor says as if that answers everything.

"What- but, you can't just- don't you know how dangerous that is?"

"That was the point." Connor's eyes have lost a bit of their luster at the comment, one of his fingers nearing far closer to the trigger than Evan would ever want. "Figured this would a hell of a lot easier than getting a knife. Less painful too."

"Let me have it." The forcefulness in his voice as he reaches out his hand surprises him. Evan never thought he could even sound that commanding, but still, if it got Connor away from death, then it's fine with him. "I'm serious."

"Really?" Connor looks surprised at the order, gaze flickering between Evan and the gun.

The seconds crawl by as Evan watches Connor deliberate the options internally. His hand begins to tremble as time goes on, his mind beginning to fear the worst.

Connor places the gun in Evan's hand, shrugging as he says, "Take it."

Evan releases the breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. Then it hits him that he's standing here with a gun in his hand and starts to panic. Because what is he even supposed to do with a gun? His mom would be furious if she caught him with it. Then she'd ask him where he got it, then he would end up blurting out all of it to her, from Connor to his arm. What if it accidentally went off? He could shoot of a finger or something, then he'd have to go to the hospital and his mom would have to pay even more money for hospital bills. He'd be even more of a burden than he already was.

"The safety's on." Connor remarks, and Evan sighs in relief. At least some of his fears subside at the statement. Taking the risk, Evan shoves the gun deep into the front pocket of his shorts.

"Th-thank you," Evan coughs slightly. "for giving it t-to me. I don't want you to disappear."

Connor only gives a non-committal grunt at that, edging back as if he's preparing to walk away.

Evan is ready to let him leave, but then an idea hits him, and he pulls Connor back towards him as he holds out his hands.

Closing his eyes, he lets warmth spread through him until it's concentrated in his hands. He imagines the flowers he wants in his head, and how he wants them arranged. He only opens his eyes once he feels their weight settle on his palms.

"Here." Evan shoves the flowers towards Connor. "Y-you can have it, if you w-want."

The arrangement is a wide mixture of blue violets, gladioli, white hyacinth, and white heather blossoms. It's interspersed with garlic flowers and cattails. Evan had tied it together with a small ring of holly.

Connor's eyes are wide as he stares down at the flowers, looking as if he couldn't believe Evan is bothering to offer at all. Hesitantly, carefully, he picks the flowers out of Evan's hands. He holds them delicately, as if they might crumble underneath his touch.

"They should last a while, since I as-asked them to." Evan reassured him. "You still h-have to put them in water th-though."

"Thank you." Connor replies, his voiced hushed, his eyes never leaving the flowers.

"I'll s-see you." Evan gives a tiny wave, turning away to begin to walk home.

"See you tomorrow, Hansen." Connor calls after him, and Evan smiles.

Once he got home though, he races into his room to take out the gun that's been weighing him down ever since he put it in his shorts. He pulls out the bottom drawer in his desk, the one that looks like it's filled with only old papers. He lifts the papers to set the gun inside, next to a few bottles of old pills that he should have taken.

He covers both gun and pills with the papers though, praying that his mom never got curious enough to look under them. He knows she would look around his room sometimes, if she was ever lucky enough to be home while he was at school or Jared's.

And sure, it hurts to lie to her, but it would hurt more to admit the whole truth to her.

As he readies for bed that night, he remembers that he was supposed to write a letter for Dr. Sherman. Oh well, he'll just have to write it tomorrow. It isn't like he puts much effort into them anyways, because there weren't ever going to be any real reasons that his days would be great.

Although, he has a friend now, that might just count for something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flower meanings, in terms of when they show up in the story:
> 
> Hydrangea can stand for "Thank you for understanding."
> 
> Anemone flowers can stand for being forsaken, generally its in terms of love but you get the idea. 
> 
> Blue violets can stand for "I'll always be there." Gladioli can mean "I'm really sincere." White hyacinth can mean "I'll pray for you." White heather can stand for protection. Garlic stands for courage and strength. Cattails stand for peace and prosperity. Holly can represent domestic happiness.


	3. There's Method in my Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, going into this, I should probably start putting trigger warnings for individual chapters. There's nothing too bad in this chapter, but recreational drugs are mentioned, and there is a description of dissociation. 
> 
> Sorry about the big gap, but I was staying at my great-grandmother's house for the past two weeks and didn't get time to write. This one is a little shorter in comparison, but I hope you enjoy it!

Connor doesn't even bother to use the front door, choosing instead to climb out the shadow of his bookshelf. The one that's packed to the brim with old, beaten down books and sketchpads. He had started to simply pile them on top. Sure, it's a bit of a hazard, but not like Connor cared that much about dangers.

He glances down at the flowers he's cradling in his hands. God, who would have thought that he'd be talked out of suicide by possibly the most awkward kid in the entire school. He's pretty sure he had been in Evan's sophomore math class, algebra or whatever the fuck it was. Connor had never paid much attention in that class when he bothered to show up. Anyways, he remembers Evan practically having a panic attack when he was called to the front board to write the answer to a question. He had felt bad for Evan at the time, especially with the snickers that had erupted from the rest of the class. But he also thinks he had been too high to give any real input that day.

Still, today was a shock. He hadn't thought he would have run into anyone at the state park of all places, but he had gone and chosen the one spot with a human being in it. Go fucking figure. He had considered going to the orchard, but he didn't want to give his family the satisfaction. Now he's down a gun and up a friend.

He can't say he's mad at how things turned out though, which is strange. Even if he knows Evan probably only agreed out of fear at what Connor would do in retribution, it's nice.

But the flowers in his hand pose a problem as well. He's not an idiot, he knows he'll have to put them in some sort of container with water sooner rather than later. That means he'll have to go down to the kitchen, where he'll run into one or more of his family members. Even thinking about it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. But it's either that, or let the flowers wilt.

With a sigh, Connor sets the flowers down on his bed as he walks out of his room. By the time he reaches the bottom of the stairs there's already a scowl on his face. It lessens slightly when he realizes that Zoe was the only one near the kitchen. He can deal with her better than he can the rest of his family.

Surprisingly, he doesn't even get a snarky comment until he's already filled a glass with water.

"Wow, for once you're not finishing the milk." Zoe's dry voice rings out from where she's seated at the table, doing homework like a good little student she was.

"Maybe I wouldn't put it back in there if you didn't get so pissed about it." Connor shoots back, turning to go back up to his room before their conversation escalates.

"You never even drink tap water anyways." Zoe remarks. "What? Trying to get rid of the taste of weed?"

"None of your fucking business." Connor snarls back, his free hand slamming against the wall for good measure. He can feel a twinge of regret at the way Zoe flinches, but that's quickly replaced by an even bigger lump of self-loathing.

He hates himself most of the time, he isn't afraid to admit it. He knows he's a shit person. Every time he tries to put an effort to being nicer, some jackass comes along, or he has one of his bad days, and he can't keep his rage contained, then he's back to square one. It's all one twisted cycle.

He's trying, trying and failing, but trying. So Larry can go fuck himself every time he says that Connor "Isn't putting in the effort." He's sure that his even shorter temper around his parents isn't helping things, but he couldn't give a crap about what his parents thought of him, especially fucking Larry.

Storming back into his room, Connor could only wish he had a door slam. Larry had never bothered to put it back on after the last time it was taken off. He barely even remembers why it was taken down last time. Either he had been caught with weed or Zoe had walked in on him tying a rope to the one ceiling beam that ran through his room.

His room is bare and empty, stripped of any sort of personality. His middle school self had attempted to stylize it to his standards, but Larry had made quick work of that.

His bed is tucked into the far corner, a headboard behind it. There's a small end table beside the bed, and a desk shoved against the opposite wall. His desk is littered with books, some old sketchpads, and pencils; all the things that his bookshelf, which sat beside it, no longer had room for. Some of his drawings are taped to the walls, along with the remnants of old posters, the ones that Larry had been convinced not to tear up.

Connor sets the glass on his empty end table, putting the flowers inside gently. Then he just flops onto his bed, arms spread out wide as he shoves his face into his pillows. He rolls over with a groan when his face becomes too stuffy for his liking.

God, what even is this?

Connor Murphy, getting talked out of suicide. Connor Murphy, actually managing to be less of an asshole around someone for once. Connor Murphy, having a sort-of-friend for the first time in his life. He would have thought he had been high if the flowers weren't on his end table as proof.

A question still burns in his mind though, even over the swirl of recent memories.

What in hell had tipped Evan off to Connor's intentions? Evan had said, or rather implied that he didn't have a clue about the gun Connor had hidden in his jacket. So what had it been?

He'd have to ask Evan tomorrow.

Tomorrow. The word sounds foreign to his mind still. Like it's a far off concept, one that Connor doesn't have to worry about. A part of him is still wishing he wouldn't have to see tomorrow, the other part is fawning over the interaction at the park- besides for the part where he had yelled like a jackass.

He slips into a dreamless sleep like that, his mind slowly churning around possibilities, even allowing a small flicker of hope to infiltrate his thoughts.

When he wakes up, the world is shifting around him. His ceiling dips closer to the ground, and his desk stretches outwards.

The body lying in his bed his still. Distantly, he knows that the body should be him, but it doesn't feel that way.

The body's hands reach up, slowly, carefully. He watches as those hands- the ones that should be his but aren't- morph, claws growing over the fingernails, the skin warping to something rough and hideous.

It's fitting, the monster-like claws.

Zoe walks by, shouting something, but he can't hear it. His mind feels clogged, and the body is still lying on his bed, far, far away from him. The room is still shifting, the plastic and the plaster warping into twisted versions of the items they were supposed to be.

He feels hollow, although the feeling was familiar, and the familiarity of it gave him some semblance of comfort.

His vision swims, and suddenly his body is his own again. He still feels numb though, claws still stretch from where his hands are supposed to be, the world is still some abstract distortion.

Now he can hear his mother calling him, even if its faint, far fainter than it should be. He can't really make himself move, the numbness is ingrained into his bones, seeping through his bloodstream and weighing him down. He can't find the will to stand, let alone walk.

This time Larry's voice cuts through the fog in his mind, and it stirs up something in him. Somewhere, he feels himself rise to his feet. He doesn't feel the air against his skin though, or hear how his feet slam against the floor. There's only a soft rumble overtaking his senses. The world distorts with his movement, and he finds himself tracing the wall in an attempt to ground himself.

He doesn't remember when he got to the table, but his body is slipping into his usual spot before he even realizes it.

The claws are still there, just as ugly and deformed as before. The table leans sideways underneath where his head lays on it, the light from the windows swirling and covering the back half of the dining room.

His head is still fuzzy. He can see Larry's lips moving, but he can't hear a sound. His mother looks down, something akin to concern lining her frown. She reaches down to touch his hand, but he pulls it away. She had been too close to the claws. Zoe and Larry are looking at him with annoyance and fury, and the usual anger at them remains lost under the numbness.

The world tilts dangerously as Zoe stands and Larry slams his fist on the table. Larry looks like he's yelling; it's a low murmur with the fuzz filling his mind.

Larry stands, and the claws on his hands are growing, bigger and uglier and even more twisted. Larry is looming over him, shouting soundless words, and something in him stirs at the sight. Old memories surface, and suddenly the shadow under Larry is stretching up to greet him.

The familiar sight thaws him out slightly, and he takes the shadow's offer, stepping down past Larry.

Now he's staring up at a familiar white sky, loosely noting how the black shadows dance around.

He feels a little less numb though, so that's an improvement. The claws are still there, as is the fog in his head.

Here though, it's alright. The way the shadows move above him doesn't seem nearly as wrong as the world above them had been.

He takes in a breath, the first he's felt since waking up, and closes his eyes.

He doesn't know how long he lays there, just breathing, before he can open his eyes and the claws are gone. The fog takes longer to dissipate, but that doesn't matter. Here, there aren't any expectations, no angry figures to crowd over him.

Once the fog is gone and his veins don't feel like ice, he sits up. He takes another few minutes to just sit, look around, and breathe.

Dammit, another one of- whatever these episodes are, is not what he had been looking forward to when he had fallen asleep last night. He's just lucky it had been one of the better ones.

Standing up, he groans as his head starts to pound. He just wishes he had a joint, he needs something to distract himself now. A part of him still feels empty, and he can't shake it off.

Looking up, he sees the familiar shadow of his bag and reaches for it, pulling himself up into his room once more. Thankfully, the world stays as it should be, with nothing contorting or twisting. Picking up his phone, he realizes that it's just past nine, and that first period is already well over.

The decision is easy, why should he even bother going to school? He still feels like shit and not like he cares about school anyways.

Then the flowers catch his eye from where they innocently sit on his end table, and his mind shoots to Evan. Connor had promised Evan they would see each other tomorrow.

Connor sighs, he knows if he doesn't show up he'll probably just send Evan into a panic, considering what he had seen of Evan yesterday.

With another sigh, he tosses his bag over his shoulder, giving the flowers a glare as he sinks back down into the shadows.

"Goddammit Hansen." Connor grumbles to himself as he trudges towards school, knowing the shadows would lead him there without even having to look. "Why the fuck did you make me say I would see you tomorrow. Then I could just sit alone and smoke, but noooo."

He rolls his eyes at his own comment, but deep down, past the emptiness in his chest, he's grateful for Evan. At least now he has a reason to do something with himself, it's better than sitting in his empty house, wallowing in his own numbness.

He checks his phone one more time, confirming that yes, it's still second period. He uses the shadow of a bathroom sink on the same floor that his AP English class is on. He would just pop up beside his desk, maybe get a little chuckle out of scaring the class, but the last time he had done it, he had been threatened with suspension. The school was getting stricter with its rules about magic outside of the obligatory Magical Control class that everyone is forced to take through high school.

"Connor, would you care to explain yourself?" Mr. Reyes is on Connor in an instant, but all Connor does is shrug and move to his seat. He knows that Mr. Reyes likes him well enough, given that English is the one class he gives a shit about.

True to what Connor had thought, Mr. Reyes lets him go with a threat he knows will never be acted on.

The will to actually pay attention eludes him, instead he idly doodles on a sheet of paper to make it look like he's taking notes. The emptiness in his chest persists, weighing down his thoughts. By the time the bell rings, he's ready to snap at something, to feel something other than the hole in his chest.

"Hey Connor!" An overly chipper voice calls out for him as he steps out the classroom door.

"What?" He growls as he turns, narrowing his eyes as Alana stands in front of him, her smile glaring.

"I came to see if you wanted to be partners for the project assigned to us, the book analysis." She asks, her eyes never leaving his. "I was considering doing 'Incident at Hawks Hill' by Allan Eckert, it's a classic really."

"Why the fuck," Connor hates the words coming out of his mouth, but he's empty and angry because he's empty and he can't really stop himself at this point. "would you think that I want to partner with anyone, let alone you."

As he turns away from Alana's smile, which is now plastered onto her like glue, he rages at himself. Sure, he doesn't really like working with anyone, but Alana is better than a majority of their peers. It's too late now though, and he's never been good with apologies. Zoe will give him hell for this later, not like the emptiness in his chest cares.

He somehow manages to survive until lunch, and that's where things really fall apart.

"C-Conner, um, h-hi." Evan's voice sounds from behind him, and Connor starts slightly. He hadn't been expecting anyone to come up to him, let alone Evan. He's in the student parking lot, trying to get a bit a fresh air to clear his head.

"Hansen." Connor replies, somehow managing to sound calmer than he is. Although he has to wonder why he bothers to call Evan by his last name instead of using his first name like normal people. That's a problem that can be addressed later though.

"How- how are you doing?" Evan gives him a shaky smile, which Connor doesn't have enough energy to return. "Hop-hopefully better than yesterday, well, y-you weren't that bad, I guess. But generally, people would consider that pretty bad and I hope you're not feeling as bad as you did yesterday, because then I'd feel kind of bad and-"

"I'm fucking fantastic." Connor hisses before he can stop himself, but on the inside, he's panicking, praying that he can somehow keep his building anger in check. He thought he had been doing better, seeing as he didn't feel as empty, but if emptiness is going to be replaced by anger than he thinks he'd be more content with the emptiness.

"A-are you sure?" Evan asks, his hands fidgeting as flowers sprout from his head. "I'm sorry, it's j-just, you look kind of…"

"Kind of what?" Connor snarls, his voice rising to match the way he was screaming at himself internally. "Kind of like a lunatic? Like the next school shooter? Like a freak?"

"N-no, no, no, no, no. I didn't- I wouldn't- I-" Evan is struggling to find words, tears pricking their way at the corner of his eyes.

"Just fuck off!" Connor screams, and Evan complies, leaving a trail of flowers and leaves behind him.

His head is throbbing, pounding in rebellion to the aching in his chest. Blind with rage, Connor punches the nearest object, which happened to be someone's car. Now his hand swells with pain, but it's a welcome distraction.

He steps down into the nearest shadow, calming himself in the darkness.

Well, there goes his one and only friend.

Connor doesn't bother to go back to school that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No flower meanings in this chapter, but they'll be back in the next. 
> 
> Also, about the dissociation. As someone who has never experienced it, I'm not exactly qualified to write about it, but it's something I think suits Connor. But if anyone reading this has gone through it, and possibly wants to correct my description of it, feel free to, because research can only get you so much.


	4. Wrapped Up In Your Self Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this chapter is so much later than it should be. I'm really sorry, but you can blame school for that. It just started up so i've been trying to get my shit together to balance writing and schoolwork. As of now, I think I may have finally started to get it right. The teachers don't suspect you if you're writing, they just don't know you're writing fanfiction instead of notes (￣ω￣)
> 
> But in all honesty, the only thing I've felt like doing since school started was just faceplant, and then just roll around in frustration. The idea just seems so tempting.
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is pretty short, but the next chapter should be out much sooner. Within the next week or so.

Evan curls himself up in the first bathroom he sees. He's almost surprised he makes there through the tears in his eyes.

He's breathing too fast and too hard, his body heaving for air like he wouldn't find it again.

All he hears is Connor's voice, yelling at him.

_"Just fuck off!"_

Tears pour down his cheeks as his breathing becomes even more labored.

God, he's having an anxiety attack.

Shoving his head in his knees, Evan tries to focus on his breathing. In for four, out for five. In for four, out for five.

_"Fuck off!"_

Of course, Connor would shove him away. Why wouldn't he? He is so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why on Earth had he ever convinced himself that someone like Connor Murphy would want to be friends with him? Even Jared doesn't want to be friends with him, and Jared is only a notch or two above him on the social tier.

Pathetic. He lets his hopes rise, ignoring common sense and long set patterns. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

Choked sobs are forcing their way up his throat now, even with it feeling as though it was screwed shut.

He's still gasping for air when the first hint of green enters his blurry vision.

Vines creep up his arm, slowly and carefully, spreading outwards to surround his hunched form. Soon green is all he can see through the tears. For a moment, it was almost suffocating, but then the familiar warmth of his magic washed over him, and breathing got just a bit easier.

Eventually the chant of "pathetic" was replaced with a calmer voice whispering "safe, breath, safe."

When the tears fade, Evan is greeted by a veritable wall of vines and flowers wrapped around him. He plucks a yellow carnation from his hair idly, his mind still scrambling to put itself back together.

Once he can stand again, he gently pushes the cocoon of vines open. To his shock, he realizes the plants have managed to cover most of the bathroom floor. Thank god that someone hadn't walked in on that, because then they would have run off and told everybody then Evan would get in trouble for using his magic outside Magic Control class, and then he would get expelled and his mom would just be even more disappointed in him as it is.

No one has walked in yet though, Evan tries to cement that fact into his racing thoughts with little success. So, he goes about clearing the mess as quickly as possible. Although he doesn't go too quickly, taking a few seconds to see what flowers his magic had added to the cocoon of vines. By now he knows that his magic tends to follow the code in terms of what flowers sprout, they reflect his emotions, whether he wants them to or not.

On the outside, the vines are interspersed with white heather, begonia, hydrangea, peony, and snapdragon flowers. The inside is a little less varied, covered with queen anne's lace, lady's mantle, and red poppy blooms. Evan can't remember what they mean, but he might look it up later. Because if the lingering traces of panic shifting around in his gut mean what he thinks they do, he isn't going to last the rest of the day in school.

He texts his mom, letting her know that he didn't feel well and was on his way home.

He spends the rest of the day in his bed, sometimes scrolling through his phone, sometimes just staring blankly as flowers and vines sprout around him. If nothing, at least the plants keep him company.

His fingers itch at his cast, but they stop as soon as his eyes land on the name Connor, scrawled out in big sloppy letters. A friend, Evan laughs at himself, he had really thought he could manage to keep a friend.

Instinctually, he knows he hasn't done anything wrong. But if he just knew how to talk to people, then maybe Connor wouldn't have been pushed to yell.

But he had seen it in Connor's eyes, they were just so empty. At the same time though, they had been storming, as if stirred up by some unseen agony.

It had hurt him to think Connor might be in pain like that. He knows it's stupid, considering the circumstances of their first real meeting, but it's true.

For once, he's almost glad to get a text from Jared telling him to come over. Jared isn't bad all the time, and he sure is a lot better than moping in his thoughts. Because Evan already does that plenty.

He doesn't mind leaving leaves and petals scattered around his room, the plants will always have a place to stay with him, and they know it. His mom never minds them either, and even if she did mind them, she isn't around enough to notice.

Still, he sticks a post-it on the door as he walks out, a hasty scribble of, 'I'm at Jared's' for his mom to see just in case she happens to actually come home before midnight.

When he knocks on Jared's door, he's met with a recognizable cocky smirk.

"Hey acorn." Jared snorts, opening the door to let Evan in.

"Hi Jared." Evan responds. Having known Jared for a few years, after their moms became attached at the hip, he could usually manage to have some semblance of a normal conversation, even if half the conversation is usually Jared making jabs at him.

Evan trails behind Jared as they walk to the T.V in the back of the house; when they pass the kitchen, Jared pauses, turning back to Evan. "The beer cabinet should be empty; my parents wouldn't notice if a few disappeared."

"Not tonight." Evan shoots back, because despite the events of the day, he doesn't really feel like drowning his fears with alcohol. He can still remember quite a few hangovers from some of their more extreme nights.

"Whatever." Jared rolls his eyes, but moves on from the kitchen empty handed.

The two of them fall back into familiar habits. Jared takes one end of the couch, and Evan the other. Jared chooses the game, and sort of asks Evan if it's okay with him. Evan agrees, as he always does, and the two play it.

Evan's never been able to get the hang of video games, something that Jared would normally tease him about relentlessly. Today though, they play in near silence, with only a few snarky comments coming from Jared. It's strange, but Jared had always been subject to wide mood swings, so Evan doesn't bother to think too much of it.

"So, any reason you ditched lunch? I mean, I'm all for Evan the rebel acorn, but I kind of have a right to know if you're off sucking dick." Jared asks slyly, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

"Wha- Jared! I would never- why do you care?" Evan sputters out, his avatar falling off the edge of the screen.

"I don't. It's just my right as your family friend to know these things." Jared snorts, jumping on one of the smaller enemies. "Besides, I'll just check your phone if you're going to be that defensive."

"You can't go checking someone's phone without their permission! B-besides, there's nothing on there anyways." Evan can't stop the bitterness that seeps into his voice, and he feels the flowers growing on his head as a result.

"We'll just see what your phone tells me." Jared smirks, and Evan waves his hands wildly, trying in vain to stop him. But already Jared's eyes have gone blank, reflecting the world around him like they were made of glass.

Evan is left on his own, helpless to stop or pull Jared out of the world he's entered. At the very least, he pauses the game and leans Jared back. Jared always complains about how sore he is after he uses his magic.

But now it's just him and his thoughts again, and Evan is barely staying afloat in the sea of negativity. As a distraction, he checks to see what flowers his magic had chosen this time. In his fingers rests a stem of Ivy blossoms to match the ones that are interwoven in his hair. He looks up what they mean, and gives a hollow chuckle when the first result is friendship. At least his magic has high hopes for whatever Evan and Jared are.

Evan would love to call Jared a friend, and he had, for a short time. Then high school had come along, car insurance was put in the equation, and somehow friend became family friend before Evan realized it. Because really, Jared isn't a bad person. Sure, he's sarcastic and abrasive. He never knows when to stop. He's a collector of blackmail, a pastime that is only fueled by his magic. But Jared's more perceptive than people realize, or more perceptive than Jared wants them to realize. He always has some stupid comment, or dumb joke to make Evan forget whatever he had been worrying about.

Underneath the wall of prickliness and annoyance that Jared hides behind, there is someone just as, or more so, deserving than his peers. Evan knows this.

Evan just doesn't know why he can't get past that wall anymore.

Jared emerges from the electronic world with some aching pains and a disappointed scowl.

"Jeez Evan, you really don't have anything on there, do you?" Jared huffs as he stretches out his back. "Whatever, I still have some of those weird sex letters anyways."

"They aren't s-sex letters Jared." Evan crosses his arms in annoyance, uncertain vines sprouting from his clenched fingers. "Y-you know those are for th-therapy. Dr. Sherman w-wants me to wr-write them."

"Sure Evan, sure." Regardless Jared finally lets the subject drop in favor of one upping Evan around every corner in the game. Evan doesn't even remember the name of it anymore.

The two of them keep a similar pace until 9:00 comes, then Evan stutters out how he still has homework to finish.

"C'mon, you don't have to be a teacher's pet every day." Jared argues, throwing down the remote. "Live a little."

"I have to do it Jared, or else my teachers will be disappointed and then I have to deal with them looking at me, and my mom would be even more disappointed, then she might yell at me and-" Evan rambles, letting his anxieties tumble out of his brain and into the air. The vines crawl up further, wrapping around his arms comfortingly.

"Fine!" Jared snaps, stopping Evan. "I didn't need the entire Evan experience."

"Sorry." Evan mutters shuffling towards the door.

"Can you leave a flower or something on our way out? So my mom knows you were here." Jared shouts after him.

Evan sighs, but calls his magic up to his hands anyways. He leaves only a small bouquet of ivy flowers, with a few iris buds interspersed. He assumes that Jared will just throw them out once his mother gets a glance at them; Jared had never liked his flowers much, from what Evan gathered. He rests them on the countertop as he passes it.

The night air hits him as soon as he opens the front door, and he gives a small shiver. The vines wrap around him tighter, sprouting leaves that curl around him as well, he smiles softly at them, the sour taste in his mouth disappearing.

As he walks down the sidewalk, the trees seem to turn their leaves towards him, their branches rustling softly in the quiet. Evan takes his time to enjoy their company and support.

When he finally gets home, he takes down the note still hanging on the front door, using the key hidden under the aloe plant to unlock the door. The aloe plant bristles for a moment, instructed by Evan to guard the key from strangers, before recognizing Evan and immediately relaxing in an almost apologetic matter.

Evan doesn't mind though, since simply knowing the plant is there to guard the house key from potential burglars puts some of his anxieties at ease. Not as many as he would like, but plants can't do everything.

The stale air of the house hits him hard, and a part of him wants to turn around and go find a nice tree to sit under. He hadn't been lying about the homework though; so reluctantly, he trudges onward.

At least his homework isn't too hard, even with his magic taking every opportunity to distract him with another type of flower. Its only when he remembers the letter that his spirits really fall. He has to have one for Dr. Sherman for their next meeting though, because he knows that his excuse of forgetting them at home won't last him any longer.

As he opens a google docs page though, his fingers are left resting on the keys of his laptop, motionless, as he struggles to find anything positive about today. He eventually just goes for it, typing his current stream of thoughts.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because you made a friend yesterday. And then your friend ended up yelling at you because you were too pushy and annoying and you should have just stayed away because you knew he looked upset. Now he's probably never going to talk to you again and he might even end up killing himself just like you tried to do. Except he'll probably succeed because you're just a failure. The poor kid who can't even get suicide right, let alone keeping a friendship stable._

_Jared invited you over, so that might be good? Except it's just the same as usual, and it's not like you're happy about that. It doesn't matter how many times you try to get closer to Jared he just shoves you away- well, why wouldn't he, but that's not the point. Or is it? Isn't that why you have this cast?_

Evan deletes the letter before it can get even more depressing. With a sigh, he starts over, focusing on how he could twist around the events so they seem more positive.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because you made a friend yesterday. He seems nice so that's good. He signed your cast too. You actually managed to make a joke around him, even if it was only a small one. We have similar interests too, which is nice._

_Jared invited you over this afternoon, and you got to play video games for a while, which was fun. He asked for some of your flowers on the way out, so maybe he likes them?_

_The plants have been really nice too, and they haven't been bothering you as much at school._

Evan stops there, saving the letter to print out tomorrow. He feels oddly proud of his ability to write in half truths. It isn't lying, but Dr. Sherman doesn't need to know the rest. Evan has to improve, he has to make progress from where he is now, from where he had been.

Therapy costs a lot, as does medicine, and as much as his mom downplays it, Evan knows it must be troublesome to deal with those costs. The sooner he gets better, the sooner he can lighten the load.

He's not hungry enough to bother with food, nor with medicine. His medicine doesn't do much anymore regardless, the only thing it staves off is nightmares, and he can deal with those just fine.

He decides to leave the plants already resting in his bed as he curls under the covers. He's well used to the feeling of leaves and petals brushing against his skin, to a point where it grounds him.

When he dreams that night, he dreams of chaotic flashes and harsh words. He's left searching for a light to see by, but his world stays dark, and he cries alone until morning comes and his eyes open once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flower meanings!
> 
> White heather:Protection Begonia:Beware Hydrangea:Heartlessness/Frigidity Peony:Shame Snapdragon:Deception
> 
> Queen anne's lace:Sanctuary Lady's mantle:Comfort Red poppy:Consolation
> 
> Basically, the flower cocoon says "Our son has been betrayed" on the outside, and "Let us comfort you" on the inside. XD
> 
> Yellow carnation:Disappointment/Rejection
> 
> Ivy:Friendship
> 
> Iris:Your friendship means so much to me/A message


	5. Count Your Blessings Not Your Flaws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a long one, just warning you now ;) But I finally give Zoe and Alana a real introduction, which I'm happy about.

Evan isn't expecting much from today. The chances of Connor talking to him at all are slim, nonexistent when his insecurities offer their opinion.

As days can start though, it isn't really that terrible. He wakes up before his alarm, and spends most of his extra time growing various flowers and grasses in his hands.

"Hey honey." His mom greets him with a yawn and a kiss to the forehead. "You're up early. I'm just going to grab a cup of coffee then head to work. Do you need anything before I go?"

"I'll be fine mom." The words come out in a frantic rush, and his mom gives him a worried frown, sitting on his bed beside him.

"Are you sure? I know you can be forgetful when you're on your own. You are good on refills and food, right?"

"Yes." It's a mental struggle for Evan to keep his voice in check, to stop himself from blurting out all the secrets that he's sure his mom knows from the way she's staring at him.

"Okay." His mom smiles at him as she stands, ruffling his hair before she walks out. "I'm here if you need anything."

But she's really not, if Evan thinks about it. Those aren't nice thoughts though, despite how true they seem. He shoves down the poisonous whispers before they can develop further, but it still doesn't change the fact that they had flitted through his mind. His mom is trying her best, he knows that, he knows it's his fault that she works so hard too, but still.

He plasters on a weak smile when he waves his mom out the door. He lets it fall as soon as his mom can't see him anymore.

He's forced to ride the bus to school, since he doesn't live close enough to walk without getting up at an ungodly hour. Sure, the people are way, way too close to him, and all he can feel are the eyes that are definitely staring at him, but it isn't all that bad. Save for the fact that he can hear conversations all around them, but can't distinguish if they're gossiping about him or not. Now his hands are sweaty and the kid next to him is going to notice because she's already staring at him like he's got the plague or something. He has to keep his magic contained too, even though it pushes and fights against his will constantly. Evan isn't going to deal with the people on here laughing at his flowers though.

Evan practically flees the bus, far too aware of the odd stares he's receiving as his magic finally finds a crack in his suppression and takes the opportunity to grow new flowers in his hair. Evan wouldn't be surprised it a few leaves trailed behind him either.

He finds sanctuary in the school library, hidden among the bookshelves. The librarian nearly scolds him for unauthorized magic use, but backs down when he splutters out that it's unconscious usage.

He sets himself up at one of the computers, opening the letter from yesterday. He edits it, changes out a few words to make it look better, then prints it.

His breaths have slowed to an even rate, and he takes a moment to try and relax more. He can faintly hear the printer running from the front desk. Nobody is ever in here though, so his work is safe from prying eyes. As he stands, he forces his magic down again, the flowers in his hair falling to the floor, dark and wilted. He gathers them up and takes them with him as he goes towards the printer.

He passes the printer at first, heading to the trash can next to the exit. As he turns back, he hears a thread of music in the air, of all things. It's quiet, barely audible, but at the same time, it's angry and dissonant. The sound of it stirs up tendrils of anger in his gut.

Brows furrowing, Evan follows the music, the unexplainable anger growing as the sound grows closer. As he nears the source, a low voice cuts over the music. Evan's eyes widen as he recognizes the voice, but doesn't recognize the way it hisses furiously, just above a whisper.

He rounds the corner, then promptly freezes, a deer in the headlights as Alana, sitting across from Zoe, pierces Evan with a glare. Her gaze immediately softens when Evan takes a step back, stammering, "Oh- I- um- I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean to in-interrupt. I h-heard music and- sorry, I'll just g-go now."

"You're welcome to join us Evan." Alana stops his retreat, beckoning him over. "I'm sorry if I glared at you. I just thought you were someone else for a moment."

"I-it's fine." Evan takes a step forward, but the music is still playing, and the strange anger in his gut is only serving to make him nervous.

"Zoe," Alana taps the junior's arm, making the girl raise her head from where it had been buried in her arms. "you need to stop your magic, you're making Evan slightly angry. He's mostly nervous and afraid, but still slightly angry."

Abruptly, the music stops, and Zoe looks at Evan apologetically, although Evan can still see the anger in her eyes. Zoe sighs, "Sorry Evan, I wasn't expecting anybody else to be in here. My magic goes a little haywire when I'm mad."

"D-don't worry, my magic d-does that too, s-sometimes-" Evan stops, watching vines creep out from where his good hand is clenched around the hem of his shirt. The vines reach for Zoe, wrapping themselves around her head, creating a pseudo-flower crown. Evan disconnects the vines from his fingers, watching them finish the crown with bated breath, "-s-see?"

Zoe touches the crown, and Evan is waiting for her to get angry, or annoyed, or laugh at him, possibly all three if he's really unlucky. Instead, she gives him a thin smile, muttering, "Thanks" before burying her head in her arms once more.

Evan shifts his weight, wondering if he should just leave and get back to his letter, but wouldn't that be rude? And besides, Zoe seems upset at something, and he doesn't want to just leave her, especially if she got mad at him for leaving. Then she'd tell everyone about rude, weird Evan, and then she'd definitely tell Connor, and then they'd be on even worse terms than they already were. That's not even counting the fact that Alana would get mad at Evan if Zoe was mad at Evan and help Zoe tell everyone about him, because that's just how Alana is when it comes to Zoe. When Alana gets involved she'd tell the teachers and the principal, she has connections to the entire school administration, and then he'd have detention or worse, and then it'd be on his record and his mom would be mad at him and he'd never get into college like she wanted him to and-

"Zoe." Alana drawls, poking the younger girl's head. It's enough to snap Evan out of his thoughts, because Alana just doesn't tease people like that, not even Zoe. Alana only has acquaintances, people she holds at varying distances and occasionally talks to when she isn't busy helping somebody or building up her resume. But then Evan sees Zoe raise her head to give Alana a fond smile, one that is readily returned, and Evan thinks he understands. Probably. If he isn't misreading anything. Which he probably is.

Regardless, he has to tune back into Alana's quite chatter, trying his best to hide his guilt about it far away from Alana's prying magic.

"Evan, do you mind if we tag along with you for a little bit?" Alana gestures to Zoe and easy smile on her face. "Just to clear out heads. You have a calming aura, well, at least on the outside.

"Um, if y-you guys do-don't mind my…" Evan trails off, biting his tongue to stop himself from listing his many, many flaws. "It's fi-fine."

"Great." Alana looks back to Zoe, and they seem to have a conversation with their eyes alone, one that Evan isn't privy to.

"Sure, why not?" Zoe shrugs as she stands, gathering her things. As she turns to Evan though, she asks, "You sure you don't mind? Because honestly, I still sort of feel like punching something."

Evan pales at that, because getting punched does not sound like a fun time. Then Zoe starts giggling of all things, and his fears are quickly replaced with confusion.

"Your vines, they look… angry? But kind of like angry kittens." Zoe covers her mouth as she tries to get her laughter under control. "It's adorable."

Evan looks down to see thorny vines wriggling by his wrists, ones he hadn't even felt before now. They're baring their thorns outwards, wriggling in some sort of threatening manner towards Zoe.

"Yeah…" Evan chuckles awkwardly, calming the vines down until they are wrapped peacefully around his cast and wrist respectively. Moving his gaze to the floor, Evan sputters, "I just h-have to g-go to the- um, printer."

When he turns and starts walking towards the printer, he's pleasantly surprised when Zoe and Alana trail beside him. But Alana has somehow gone off on a tangent about an environmental group she volunteered with a few years ago, and while Zoe is listening with rapt attention, Evan is struggling to find the courage to tell Alana that some of her facts were partially incorrect. Because birch trees actually do have fruit, it's called samara and it releases millions of seeds that animals feed on. But Alana probably wouldn't appreciate his interruption, so Evan stays quiet, keeping his facts to himself.

Evan picks up his letter from the printer and brings it back to his things. Tucking it safely in one of his folders, he hears a few notes that vaguely resemble the song that Zoe had been creating earlier. There's a hollow edge to this song though, one that stirs an aching sort of sadness, one that's almost familiar to Evan. Concern gnaws away at him, because no one, especially someone as bright as Zoe, should ever feel like Evan does.

He tiptoes back to see Zoe, head lowered and hands in trembling fists, and Alana, who has a hand on Zoe's shoulder.

"I just, I don't get it with him. Some days it's almost like he's normal, like I have my brother back, then he just turns around and goes back to how he always is." Zoe lets out a shaky breath, the vines on her head shifting with the movement. Alana says nothing for once, looking at Zoe with compassion and giving her time to gather her thoughts. "I hate him. I hate the stranger that walks in his shoes. I just want my real brother back, you know?" Zoe looks helplessly sad, but the anger is so present, so strong, that Evan can't bring himself to listen any longer, sneaking past them and out the library.

Throughout his morning classes, he can't get his mind away from what he had seen. Zoe couldn't have been talking about anybody but Connor, unless she had another brother that Evan didn't know about, but that was about as likely as his dad coming to visit.

Evan's torn though, on how he should take this newfound knowledge. He doesn't like knowing just how broken Connor and Zoe's relationship is, nor how bitter Zoe is when it comes to Connor. Because he can't find it in himself to echo her sentiments. Maybe it's because Connor's like him; they're both broken, they're both a mess. But that's not Connor's fault, at least, Evan doesn't think it is.

A part of Evan can see where Zoe is coming from though, when he thinks back to the day before, to Connor shouting at him. Who knows how often Zoe had to deal with that side of Connor? But that isn't the only side to Connor, their conversation at the park proves that- well, that's discounting the yelling that had gone on before that, but Evan thinks his point still stands. Evan can only imagine his mom being angry at him for his nervous habits and breakdowns, something he couldn't stop even when he wanted them to, but for that to be normal? Evan can sympathize with Connor.

The conflict plagues him, and he can't ever find a way to resolve it in his mind without feeling like he's somehow discrediting someone.

Even with his torn thoughts, Jared still takes the liberty of messing with Evan all throughout lunch. Evan had stopped counting the gay jokes after the 20th one, let alone the continued use of the nickname "acorn" that Evan despises. His magic starts to reflect his distaste, the thorny vines that had shrunk away during classes returning stronger than before. Now they reach his elbows, bristling at Jared all the while, but Jared doesn't seem to notice them, or if he does, he pays them no mind. Idly, Evan plucks out the veritable field of yellow carnations, cyclamen, and tansy that takes root in his hair.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. With Evan only focusing because his anxiety forces him to out of fear of being called out or missing something critically important. During his last class, Magical Control, he barely registers Mrs. Hoggenstrauf's- a name Evan is still sure he'll never pronounce right- offhand comment about how active his magic is today. Evan supposes it was true, considering that his head is now more flowers than hair and his arms have gone to the vines.

The bus ride home isn't any better than the one in the morning had been, and his house is still as empty as it always is. He finishes his homework first thing, then moves on to try and write another letter for Dr. Sherman, failing to write anything remotely positive. With a sigh, he closes his laptop, laying back on his bed and staring up at the ceiling.

He doesn't know how much time had passed before he hears the front door open. For a moment, Evan suspects it's just Jared for a moment, but then his mom's voice floats through the house.

"Evan? I'm home."

Evan rushes out of his room, greeting his mom with a disbelieving grin and a wave. "You're home." He breathes, still trying to wrap the concept around his head. It's been months since his mother has been able to come home at a reasonable time and not be dead tired.

"I know, it's weird, right?" His mom teases with a smile, and Evan chuckles, agreeing softly.

By the time they reach the kitchen and his mom has put all her things away, Evan's magic is almost exploding with happiness. The vines were bright and leafy, brushing against his mom from time to time. A variety of colorful flowers bloom in his hair, from chrysanthemums and morning glories to dandelions and crocuses.

"How about I cook us some dinner and we take a night to ourselves, huh?" His mom offers as if there is a way that Evan could say no.

"Can I help you with dinner?" Evan asks in lieu of answering directly.

"Of course you can, just make sure your flowers don't get cooked." His mom shoots back, and Evan smiles, soaking in the comfortable atmosphere that has overtaken the usually stale and empty air.

Cooking with his mother… is pleasant. She's the only person Evan is truly comfortable around, even with his anxiety tugging at the corners of his mind. Small talk with her is easy, in a sense, save for the way Evan has to skirt around certain events to avoid her worrying excessively. There is also the uncomfortable twinge in his stomach whenever she makes some casual joke about work or school, but besides for that, it's just nice spending time with her again. Evan has always loved the way she perks up whenever she uses her magic, moving water straight from the sink and into the awaiting pots.

Dinner is simple but filing, and Evan suddenly realizes just how big the hole that makes up his stomach is. Speaking of that, when was the last time he had eaten more than just a small snack? He shoves the question to the back of his mind to visit later, now he needs to focus on what little time with his mother he has.

"So," His mom takes the last plate and sets it inside the dishwasher. "wanna watch a movie or something? I don't have any classes tonight and my next shift doesn't start until six."

"Sure." Evan smiles back, noticing how the vines that are still on his arms wriggle in excitement.

"Great." His mom shoes him off with her hands. "Now go take your medicine and I'll set up the couch.

Evan nods and goes to the bathroom, fishing out the familiar bottle of pills from the cabinet. He takes one dry to appease his guilt before heading to his room to switch into his pajamas.

When he gets back to the living room, his mother is already scrolling through their small selection of channels. Their television is small, and certainly out of date compared to what most families had, but it still does its job well, and soon Evan and his mom are curled up under a blanket watching a rerun of How to Train Your Dragon.

His mom has always been one to make playful comments about a movie, even more so when it was one that they had seen before, and this time is no different. Some of her comments have Evan laughing harder than he could have thought possible.

Its only about halfway through the movie that a stray glance has his mother gasping. Leaning over she brushes the vines away from his cast, beaming when she sees Connor's name scrawled on it.

"Evan, why didn't you tell me you made a new friend?" His mom admonishes, but it doesn't take away from the excited gleam in her eyes. "And he signed your cast." She swats at his shoulder playfully, smiling all the while. "I told you that it was a good idea."

"Y-yeah." Evan replies. He doesn't have the heart to tell her that the supposed friendship is already in flames, and he doesn't think that one more lie will hurt her that much. "We met in t-the park."

"Evan, that's awesome. I'll have to meet him sometime. Maybe next Tuesday?" His mom misses the way he freezes, face paling slightly.

"Um, m-maybe. I c-can ask." His mom doesn't miss his stammers though, and she leans away, giving him a worried look.

"Is everything okay?" She keeps a comforting hand on his forearm, but it almost burns against his skin. He can't move it away though, because then she'll definitely know that something is wrong.

"Yeah, Connor's parents are just s-strict." Evan has no idea what Connor's parents are like, but it seems to pass by his mom's suspicions, as she relaxes and smiles again.

"Well, see if you can't talk them down." She squeezes one of his cheeks and he squirms away. "It'll be good practice talking to people. Remember what Dr. Sherman said about that?"

"Yeah." Evan sighs.

"Come on, we both said you were gonna do better this year, right?" His mom's grip on his arm tightens slightly, and Evan can't find it in him to say what he really thinks, so he shoves all his pessimistic thoughts down and responds weakly with, "I'll try."

"I know honey, I know." His mom relinquishes his arm turning back to the movie.

Their night together ends anticlimactically. They say goodnight quietly, his mom reminding him to try and ask Connor if he could come for dinner one night, and that's the end of it.

Evan wakes up to the sound of his alarm the next morning and a note from his mom telling him to take care of himself. Evan gives a thin smile at that, nibbling on the edge of a granola bar. He ends up chucking both the note and the granola into the trash.

When he arrives at school his nerves are already buzzing, the sights and sounds around nearing the point of being too much. Evan manages to find an empty hallway where he can sit against the wall and try and get his breathing back on track.

"Hansen." Evan jumps at the sound of Connor's voice, his hands slamming against the tile so fast they sting.

"Uh- hi C-Connor, are you feeling- wait, sorry- you probably don't w-want to h-hear that now. I'll j-just…" Evan stops, wondering where he had been going with that.

"Don't apologize." Connor grunts, going to sit down near Evan. There's still a good two feet or so in between them, but Evan doesn't mind it all that much.

For a few minutes, the two of them sit like that, Evan trying to think of something to say, anything to fix this awkward silence.

"I'm-" Connor pauses, taking in a deep breath of air, as if bracing himself. "-sorry. Yeah," Connor takes another deep breath, crossing his arms. "I'm sorry."

"N-no, don't be I sh-shouldn't have asked. Y-you were upset and I knew th-that and I shouldn't h-have pestered you. Really it's n-"

"Look," Connor snaps, making Evan freeze. "I'm not exactly what you would call a 'functioning member of society.' I have issues, a lot of issues, but that doesn't give me a reason to go around fucking with people who don't deserve it. You were just trying to help, and I had a shitty morning and took it out on you. You got that? I'll try not to next time."

Evan nods, silently taking in the dark bags under Connor's eyes, along with the hint of pink that lines the whites of his eyes. Connor's hair, while still looking nice, is frazzled, with stray hairs poking out here and there. In the back of his mind, he tucks away the knowledge the anxiety attack Connor had given him into a far corner and vows never to look at it again.

"You can leave now you know." Connor is looking away now, his hair blocking his face from Evan's sight. "Save yourself the trouble of dealing with the school shooter."

"Y-you're not s-someone who would shoot o-other people." Evan says quietly, and Connor's head whips around so Connor can stare at him, slightly wide-eyed. "I'm s-sorry about Jared."

"Whatever." Connor snorts, a smirk creeping at the edges of his lips. "I don't think the shooter thing applies to myself though."

"C-Connor!" Evan exclaims, his voice surprisingly determined. "Don't say that. It doesn't m-matter if you have issues. I have issues too. You deserve to be h-here just as much as anyone else."

Connor is frozen now, his face carefully blank, but his body trembles with every breath he takes. Evan notices the way that Connor's shadow moves, twisting and turning about in turmoil. Evan smiles when it begins to nudge his own shadow, almost as if it was looking for support. Suddenly Evan gets where Zoe had been coming from yesterday with his vines.

"You're shadow." Evan blurts out on impulse, and he can feel his face heat up as Connor glances down, then back up to give Evan a perplexed stare.

"What about it?"

"It's really cute." Evan says in a rush, but he knows Connor hears him from the way Connor looks between the ground, where Connor's shadow was still nudging at Evan's, and Evan himself.

"Thanks." Connor murmurs after a moment. "No one's ever said that about my magic before."

Evan chooses not to comment on that, instead smiling down as he watches Connor's shadow try in vain to get Evan's shadow to respond.

Without saying a word, Connor reaches over to tap at the edge of Evan's shadow, and Evan watches with wide eyes as it comes to life, shifting around on the floor underneath them.

"Are w-we fr-friends?" Evan asks nervously, keeping his gaze trained on the playful shadows beneath them.

"I don't know." Connor shrugs. "Do you want to be?"

"Y-yeah."

"I'm basically a piece of shit with anger issues." Connor warns, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

"I-I'm a nervous wreck with n-no social skills." Evan shoots back. He smiles when it takes Connor a minute to find a response.

"Well fuck, aren't we just the perfect pair." Connor has a small grin on his face now, and Evan decides it's a much better look for him. Soon though, both of them are laughing quietly, although Connor is more chuckling than anything.

"I d-don't really know how fr-friends work." Evan is still shaking off the final traces of laughter.

"Don't look at me." Connor shrugs again, still grinning. "I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing."

"A-at least we're on the s-same page." Evan jokes, and he doesn't know where this newfound confidence is coming from but he isn't going to deny it.

"Do you want to exchange numbers or something?" Connor suggests. "That seems like something friends would do."

"S-sure." Evan agrees, his phone is at the house though, as he soon discovers. So instead, Connor scoots closer, giving his phone to Evan so he can punch in the digits. Afterwards, the two are at a loss of what to do next, or at least Evan is.

Their floundering conversation is cut off by the bell, and Evan is both relieved and disappointed all at once. As they each gather their things, Connor offers a tentative, "See ya'"

Evan returns it quickly, not wanting Connor to get the wrong idea, and they go their separate ways. Apparently, their first periods on are opposite sides of the school.

Still, Evan's day goes much better than it had yesterday, with some of his worries reconciled. And when lunch comes around, Evan is shocked to see Connor climb out of the shadow of the bench where he and Jared sit. It's worth it to see Jared jump and give a startled screech though.

"Jesus Christ, are you always that creepy?" Jared wheezes out, but Evan and Connor don't pay him any mind.

"Do you want to eat lunch together?" Connor offers, and Jared almost spits out the food he had been eating.

"Y-yeah." Evan turns to Jared though, because even when all Jared did was pester or ignore him, Evan did have a commitment to sitting with Jared. "As long as-"

Jared waves him off quickly, commenting, "Why should I care who you eat lunch with? Go and hang out with your new boyfriend for all I care."

"Jared, that's not- don't say th-things like that." Evan hisses, narrowing his eyes when all Jared does is shrug.

Still Evan takes Connor's hand as they sink down into the shadows, remembering the warning Connor had given him the first time.

They enter the shadow world with Jared's cry of "Gay!" echoing in their ears.

"S-sorry about him." Evan says, the tips of his ears burning, his free hand is picking at the hem of his shirt, the action slightly impaired by the cast.

"Doesn't matter." Connor says, tugging Evan along. "He's just a jackass. I don't bother to listen to him half the time."

"N-neither do I." Evan admits with a slight giggle.

Connor turns his head around to give Evan a grin, saying in fake horror, "Evan Hansen, did you just admit to being rude one of your friends? For shame, Evan, for shame." Connor shakes his head in mock disapproval, and Evan can't keep his laughter contained.

"T-that's ironic, coming from y-you." Evan says in between laughs, and he goes to apologize because he realizes how his words could sound. But Connor barks out a short laugh before he can, and Evan contends himself to simply smiling.

"Here." Connor says, reaching up for what looks like the shadow of a car. Once the two are above the ground again, Connor jumps onto the hood of the nearest car.

"Is t-that your car?" Evan asks cautiously, eying the car in question warily.

"Nope." Connor looks almost proud of the fact, leaning back on his hands languidly. "Not like they're going to know we were here though."

"B-but, what about-" Evan is running through all the ways this could possibly go wrong, he's just about reached expulsion when Connor's voice cuts through his thoughts.

"You don't have to sit if you don't want to."

Evan sighs in relief, choosing to do just that, standing near Connor but away from the car.

Connor pulls out a sandwich, and looks at Evan. "Do you have anything to eat?"

Evan nods, fishing out a granola he had haphazardly shoved in his bag this morning. He only nibbles on the edges though, because only god knows how disgusting he might look when he's eating. Connor takes no such precautions, scarfing down his sandwich in a few bites.

"H-hungry much?" Evan cracks a shaky smile.

"Didn't eat much yesterday." Connor pulls out a bag of saltine crackers and begins to munch on them.

"What, um, did y-you do yesterday?" Evan sucks in a breath before blurting out. "Not like you have to tell me or anything because it's none of my business but I'm kind of curious and friends usually tell each other about that kind of stuff- at least I think they do."

"Not much," Connor responds, stopping Evan's rambling, which is good, because Evan was desperately in need of a breath. "I yelled at Zoe. Zoe yelled back at me. Fought with Larry then got high somewhere. Kind of the usual."

"Oh, I'm sor-"

"I don't need your fucking pity Hansen." Connor snarls before Evan can finish, and Evan can't help but flinch, even though he feels bad as Connor's face falls.

"Sorry." Connor mutters, and Evan releases the breath he had been holding.

"N-no, I g-get that you don't wa-want pity. I d-don't. But y-you don't have t-to keep it inside a-all the time." Evan replies softly, one hand messing with the edge of his cast, tracing the letters of Connor's name. "S-sometimes you aren't okay, an-and that's okay. Y-you can talk t-to me about it though, and I c-can talk to you about stuff. I-if you want."

"I-" Connor pauses, his fingers clenching and unclenching as he considers Evan's words. Finally, he takes a breath and looks back up to Evan. "-I'd be okay with that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow Carnations: Disdain or disappointment Cyclamen: Resignation Tansy: Hostile thoughts  
> Chrysanthemum: Cheerfulness Morning Glory: Affection Dandelion: Happiness Crocus: Cheerfulness


	6. Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, sorry again for the wait. I was doing good and then I just had a week where I just, couldn't write, no matter how much I wanted to. Thankfully, its finally going away, so I finished this up.
> 
> Also I finally figured out Cynthia and Larry's magic. Larry can see probabilities whenever he thinks about what might happen in the future. Like if he was thinking about him passing a test, his magic would show him his chances of passing said test (its only 30% for the good parenting test XD). Cynthia's magic lets her view herself from an outsider perspective, or make others view themselves from the outside. She doesn't use it very often though (mostly because of Larry).
> 
> If I took a shot for every time I projected some little habit of mine onto the characters, I'm pretty sure it would be enough to kill me twice. Seriously, I just realized it as I was writing Connor's portion, but almost every character has one of my ticks put onto them, or has habits I've seen in my family members. Its weird but it works? I'm not really sure how to feel about it.

"How was your day?" His mother greets him with some bright, but half-fake smile. Connor doesn't have time for this shit. So, he just gives his mother a scowl before sinking into the nearest shadow.

He reemerges in his room to drop his bag with a sigh, he realizes that for the first time in a while, he would have been able to say his day wasn't complete shit. That's new. And as he glances to the flowers on his end table, still as bright and colorful as they were the night they had been given to him, he thinks he knows the reason why.

Holy fuck, he still has a friend. Wow, that sounds sad when he thinks about it.

What now though? Staring up at his ceiling, his mind has gone blank. He could text Evan, but that isn't something he feels like doing right now. He's already reached his limit on socialization for the day. Who knew how hard conversations were when you weren't trying to piss the other person off?

He could draw something. The thought comes unexpectedly, and Connor is surprised to find that he actually supports the idea. He doesn't even remember how long it's been since he last had the motivation to really draw. He newest sketchbook is mostly a collection of half-assed doodles in favor of any real art.

When he pulls his sketchbook out of his bag though, he's left wondering just what he should draw. Original drawings aren't really his thing, he tends to enjoy drawing scenes taken from real life far more. The first drawing he had ever been proud of was one of a dying crane. It's funny almost, because he had drawn that on the same day that Zoe had- Connor ends that thought. It's funny, in a bitter and ironic sense, but it's not funny enough for him to want to relive it.

He sets his sketchpad on his desk, hunting desperately for something to draw and take his mind off things. Once again, his eyes land on the bouquet, and he figures, why not?

So, with a quick rearrangement, the flowers sit on his desk, right where he can reference it easily. He doesn't register the time that passes, focusing solely on the scrape of pencil against paper, on how his picture blossoms from a few wobbly lines into a complex and fully shaded piece. He takes the liberty of adjusting the light source for a more aesthetically pleasing format, but Connor doesn't think it ruins the resemblance as much as some of his other artistic preferences could have.

When he finishes, he idly flips through his crappy doodles from before. A collection of imaginary beasts, all with their teeth bared and their eyes wide or crazed. Dark, shadow filled landscapes, bent and twisted. Original drawings may not be his favorite, but they are the best way of releasing some of his frustrations, at least, when detention doesn't sound like fun. As if they could keep him in detention anyways.

"Hey asshole! Dinner's ready." Zoe shouts, starting Connor out of his thoughts.

"Whatever, dipshit." He growls to himself, but he would like to think it had slightly less hostility than it usually did.

"Connor!" Then Larry's order rings in his ears, and whatever dreams Connor has about being even just a bit nicer go flying out the window and into the trash can. Slamming his sketchbook down hard enough to shake his desk, he sinks into the shadows. At least Connor gets a small chuckle out of Zoe's "Jesus Christ!" when he tugs on her ankle before popping up beside her chair.

"It's nice of you to join us for once." Larry snaps, his smile thin and tight lipped.

"Don't think too highly of yourself, I just don't have any weed." Connor shoots back, because even if it's a lie- he has plenty stashed away where his family won't find it- pissing Larry off is a sport at this point.

"You-"

"Now everyone, let's just eat dinner, alright?" His mother saves Connor from another argument with Larry, to both Connor's relief and disappointment. Surprisingly though, Larry grumbles his consent, jabbing a fork into the food that sits on his plate.

When Connor looks down at his plate though, a wave of regret washes over him, and he wonders if he could get away with shoving his food into the shadows. His mother is on some vegan kick again, a fact that Connor had the mercy to forget until now. Is something that green and brown even edible? From the disgusted look on Zoe's face, Connor can guess that she's asking herself the same question.

In a rare moment of sibling solidarity, as soon as both his parents aren't looking, he mocks a gagging motion, and feels kind of proud of himself when Zoe smiles at it.

The moment vanishes without a trace when his mother speaks up, breaking the tentative, but peaceful silence. "How was your guys' day at school?"

"Fine." Zoe mutters, and Connor only shrugs. It isn't enough to satisfy Larry though; it never is.

"And you didn't get into trouble? Not even with your magic?" Larry spits out, and already Connor's annoyance is rising.

"Shocker, right?" Connor snorts, shoveling what he hopes is lasagna over to the edge of his plate.

"It wouldn't be if you didn't waste your potential with this constant rebellious and attention seeking behavior." Larry points his fork accusingly at Connor.

"I wish I didn't have your fucking attention."

"Connor, language." His mother reprimands him softly.

"Why do you bother telling him off? He never listens anyways." Larry huffs, his fork digging into his pseudo-food. Even Zoe gives a mutter of agreement, the traitor.

"Maybe I would if you ever bothered to say anything besides the same shit." Connor outright stabs his food, his fork scrapping the bottom of his plate.

"We wouldn't have to repeat ourselves if you just listened." Larry snaps, and Connor's patience snaps back, like a thin and brittle wire, sparking with anger.

"What about listening to me, huh? But what are the odds of that?" Connor stands, his hands slamming against the table.

"Connor that isn't the issue here-" Larry tries to get another point in, but Connor is done, snarling before Larry can finish.

"So what fucking is it? The fact that you can't see that my head is just messed up? That I'm not the perfect little Larry Jr? Get your head out of your ass for once."

"That is it." Larry draws himself up to tower over Connor. "I am done dealing with your behavior tonight. I don't want to see you out of your room until tomorrow morning."

Connor doesn't even bother to answer, collecting his plate and dumping it by the sink before making a show of stomping his way up to his room. Once he gets there though, he just runs a hand through his hair, heaving out a sigh.

He needs something to clear his head after that. So, with a little shuffling around, he pulls up the square of carpeting in his closet where he hides most of his things. He had cut the carpet when he was younger, and for some reason, Larry hadn't found it yet. Not like Connor is going to complain. He wishes he could just put stuff into the shadows, but he had long learned that he can't keep track of anything he puts down there unless he's holding onto it.

Once he finally has a joint ready, he opens his window to climb out onto the roof. Once he's situated among the tiles, he takes the liberty of lighting his joint and taking a big drag. He likes to stay closer to home whenever he got high. It's stupid but true. If he ever got desperate though, location would be thrown out in favor of calming his mind. Because as of now, weed is the best therapy he has.

He stays on the roof until his mind is a warm kind of fuzzy, ignoring whatever sounds came from inside the house. If his mother and Larry are arguing again, it won't surprise him. But god, that must suck for Zoe. The sunset is nice though, his bleary thoughts decide.

He thinks his ability to navigate the roof and get back into his room is testament to the normality of this routine. Get high, stay outside until everyone else is holed up in their rooms for the night, then try and sleep it off.

It could be worse, but it could be better too.

At least Evan sometimes gets a warning before Jared decides to surprise him. Today, luck seems to be on his side when he feels his hair start to stand on end, and he thanks whatever has Jared's magic riled up.

"Acorn!" Evan still flinches when Jared slings an arm around his shoulders, thorny vines creeping out from his fingertips. They're in the hallways, and all Evan wants to do is go to fourth period.

"Could you- um, please just not." Evan stutters out, and Jared frowns.

"What? Be amazingly cool?" And now Jared is smirking again, and Evan isn't even going to touch on the fact that no one, not even him could ever say they are 'amazingly cool' and actually mean it. Evan would rather not get dragged into another pointless debate with Jared, seeing as Jared is stubborn enough to keep arguing even when he's already been proven very, very wrong.

"Uh- no. Could you n-not call me a-acorn?" Evan whispers the nickname out, praying that no one walking past them right now is in his next class.

"C'mon man, it just fits you so well." Jared looks like he's pouting now but Evan can't pay much mind to it when his cast has suddenly started to constrict his arm. He scratches at it as nonchalantly as he can- which isn't that nonchalant, it's him after all, but it's better than facing the memories and the emotions. "What else falls out of a tree besides for acorns?"

"A-actually-" Evan goes to rebuke Jared's claim, because leaves and fruit and branches and twigs all fell from trees, but before he can get past the first word, Jared is walking away.

"See ya'. I gotta go say hi to my friends." Right, friends that don't include Evan. Because him and Evan are just family friends.

With a sigh, Evan makes his way to his fourth period, Environmental Science. Generally, it's his favorite class for the day, given the subject of the class. Evan knows hordes of trivial facts about any type of tree and flower imaginable, but everyday Mrs. Raben seems to have some new tidbit of information for him to pocket away. It makes the class far more interesting, as well as enjoyable.

The only drawback? Mrs. Raben adores his magic, and regardless of how much Evan despises it, Mrs. Raben loves to point out the species of plants that are inevitably growing on his arms or in his hair.

As is his situation now, and Evan is rapidly switching between his desire to simply bury himself in a hole somewhere, and to just vanish into thin air where he sits. He gets what Mrs. Raben is trying to do, really, he just wishes she could see how this isn't helping him at all. Already the kids in the back are sniggering, but its unavoidable. No matter how many times Evan has tried to ask her not to, Mrs. Raben either forgets or doesn't even attempt to keep her promise. By this point, Evan has given up hope on the issue.

She means well though, and Evan struggles to keep that in his mind while his face burns. The torture doesn't last long though, and soon Evan is left to sink into obscurity in his classmates' eyes.

As the bell rings, Evan slips out, grimacing as a girl's binder jabs into his side. The hallways are crowded, and Evan squeezes as close to the wall as he can. He's just about to reach his and Jared's usual spot when a figure cuts in front of him.

"Evan! I've been looking for you." Alana gives him a smile, and Evan picks at his shirt, his mind flashing back to the library and how he had left the two of them in there.

"Um, h-hi-"

"You know Connor, right?" Alana askes before Evan can respond, and his fingers clench tighter around his shirt.

"W-who?" The surprise is evident in his voice, but Evan is sure Alana could notice it either way.

"Zoe's older brother, he goes here. He's in my AP English class. We had a group project assigned, mandatory to work in groups, Mr. Reyes assured me. Although he does favor Connor quite a bit, thinks there's an artist in him. Which is true, in a sense. Connor's poetry has been very well written whenever he participates; his subjects can be rather… tasteless though."

As Alana continues, launching into a definition of what subjects were tasteful and somehow into college essays, something that Evan doesn't even want to think about until he has to, he can't get a word in edgewise.

"Oh, back to the point." Evan nearly sighs in relief when Alana stops her ramble, but then starts to wish she was still rambling when she goes back to staring at him with an intense glare in her eyes. "Connor and I have been partnered up for the project, but the last time I tried to talk to him about it… it didn't end well. Anyways," Alana shakes her head, as if she was shaking off the bad thoughts, and Evan has to wonder just how badly their conversation had gone. If anything, Evan can definitely sympathize with her. "I was wondering if you would be willing to talk to him about it. Given your response to his name, I'm guessing you'll have a much better reaction than I would."

"I-"

"Now, I know I should be able to find another partner, right? But everyone else in the class has already found their partners, and there's no switching around by now. I don't think anyone would want to work with either of us anyways, at least not willingly. This class is critically important for college, so if you wouldn't mind, could you talk to Connor for me? It would be a great help."

"H-how do you know that I- I know C-Connor again?" Evan can't help but ask, and watches with guilt as Alana falters, her hands clasping over each other.

"To be honest, I had my suspicions when you came across me and Zoe in the library, and then it was confirmed when I asked you about him." Alana raises a hand to tap her forehead, explaining, "I got some memories from your emotions when I said Connor's name. But I promise that I'm not trying to invade your privacy or anything, my magic is just one that can't be suppressed easily. I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable."

"N-no, it's fine. Y-you can't help your m-magic after all." Evan reassures her, feeling kind of proud of himself when she brightens. "I c-can try and t-talk to him."

"It would be much appreciated." Alana says before scurrying away with something about lunch tutoring or teacher meeting that Evan doesn't quite catch.

Evan makes it over to his usual lunch spot, and frowns when he finds it empty. Jared tends to leave sometime in the middle of lunch to go talk with his 'real friends' but he at least shows up most of the time. Then again, Jared has skipped lunch before, so Evan doesn't think too much of it. What he does think about is the various groups of people walking past or sitting across the courtyard. Evan is stuck eating his sandwich in slow, small, and calculated bites, shoving his head down to try and prevent people from seeing him.

"So, the jackass isn't with you today?" When Connor's voice suddenly resounds from beside him, Evan nearly chokes, just managing to keep his food inside his mouth.

"N-no, Jared's not- hi?" Evan sputters out covering his mouth with his hand as he swallows.

"Hi." Connor says with a small smirk, sitting down. Evan takes the risk of finishing the last bite of his sandwich, trying not to do anything weird or gross. "I'm leaving, you want in?"

"L-like skip, for the r-rest of the day?"

"Why not? I'm already fed up with this place." Connor snorts, and as much as his common sense is screaming at him that they're just going to get caught, Evan really, really agrees with Connor's sentiment.

Still, he does have to voice his worries, "B-but won't we just g-get c-caught?"

"Hansen." Connor stares at him, deadpan. "You really think they can see us?"

"R-right." Evan wants to smack himself for forgetting about Connor's magic, he must look like an idiot now. "J-just, w-won't they call our p-parents?"

"So?"

"My m-mom, she would be…" Evan trails off, thoughts of facing his disappointed, or even worse, angry mom crowding him.

"I don't care if you come or not, it's no big deal." Evan wants to laugh at that, because the notion of him actually believing that it's 'no big deal' about anything for once is as impossible as it is hilarious.

"W-wait! I-I'll come." Evan jumps to his feet, making Connor twitch.

"You sure?" Connor eyes him carefully, and Evan can just feel his hands getting sweaty.

"Yeah, I'm s-sure." And Evan is sure, because even though the thought of getting in trouble for this terrified him, getting away from the stress ridden environment that is school sounds amazing right now. Then his stomach sinks as he remembers what's scheduled for afterschool today. "B-but I have to be back when s-school ends, for th-therapy."

"Okay then. We'll get back here before that." Connor says, standing. Evan's eyes widen, gratitude washing over him when he realizes that Connor isn't going to comment on the fact that he goes to therapy. Connor just looks around grimacing at the students near them, and Evan is smiling like an idiot. "Come on, we're gonna have to go to the parking lot if we don't want to get caught."

Evan nods, silently wondering if he should walk beside or behind Connor. Both choices have their severe drawbacks, and Evan can't decide which is worse.

Connor ends up deciding for him, waiting patiently for Evan to catch up. Their walk is silent for the most part, save for when Connor snarls at some poor soul who bumped into him.

"Just reflex." He mutters after seeing Evan's wide eyes.

When they do reach the parking lot, Connor pauses by the shadow of some truck, and he turns to Evan. "You like trees, right?"

"A l-lot." Evan confirms. "I v-volunteered at the state p-park over the summer. I'm k-kind of a tree expert- plant's too, because of my magic, and because plants are c-cool. Sorry, I know it's l-lame."

"Eh, only partly." Connor shrugs. "There are worse things to be into. Unless it's your k-"

"No!"

"That's sounds like what someone with a tree kink would say." Connor teases, and somehow Evan's face gets even redder than it had been before. By now Evan is trying and failing to respond while Connor chuckles.

Finally, Evan thinks of something that should stop any future teasing. "D-don't Connor, I get enough of t-that from Jared."

To Evan's relief Connor's face sours, and he glares at Evan accusingly. "You just had to go and ruin it, didn't you?"

Evan's first instinct is to apologize, but he swallows back the words when he notices that Connor is still smiling, without any real anger. Instead he gives a weak chuckle, one that Connor playfully rolls his eyes at.

"Ready?" Connor sticks his hand out, and Evan idly wonders how Connor can just do that, just offer something that should be awkward as easily as if he had been asking for Evan's notes. Still, Evan takes it, surprising even himself with his lack of fear or hesitation. Connor had mentioned something about people not liking his magic, which still doesn't make sense to Evan. This feeling, as he slides down into Connor's shadow world, isn't one that he would label as creepy, or even unsettling now that he's more accustomed to it.

"Where are w-we going?" Evan asks, and Connor facepalms.

"Oh my god I'm a fucking idiot." Connor sighs, dragging his hand down his face. "If you don't mind, I know a place with a lot of trees. No one should be there anyways."

"That sounds nice." Much better than the state park at least.

"Good." Connor mutters, already reaching up to pull the two of them up to the surface.

Once Evan can get a good look around, he can feel his smile reaching the corners of his eyes. Caught up in his excitement, he drags Connor over to a nearby tree, touching its bark with a smile.

"This is a dogwood! It p-probably shouldn't be here, but they put it in a good place. Dogwood trees don't like having full s-sunlight, so the taller trees around it help to shade it during the afternoon. This one is close to blooming too. The blossoms come in a variety of colors. I don't think I can see them yet though, so it's a mystery." Evan catches himself before he gets any more embarrassing, his face burning. Thankfully, Connor doesn't even look upset.

"You can keep going, if you want." Connor shrugs, and Evan almost thinks he looks embarrassed- maybe nervous? "It doesn't bother me."

"Are you s-sure?" Evan tugs at his shirt, flattening down the flowers before they can grow.

"No." Connor deadpans back, and Evan falters. He knows that Connor probably meant that as a joke, but what if he hadn't? Jared almost always means it, and if Connor really doesn't like it then Evan has just made himself look like an even bigger idiot.

"Hansen? Hansen?" Connor's voice brings Evan back from his thoughts. "You alive?"

"U-unfortunately." Evan cracks a half smile, trying to shove back the thoughts that stung like bile.

"Same- but seriously, just do what you want. It doesn't matter to me."

"Um, o-ok." Evan goes back to reciting the plethora of facts he has on the dogwood in front of him. After the dogwood, he spots a birch tree with ivy wrapping around its trunk, and takes the time to dissect both of those as well. He sends glances back at Connor, ensuring that Connor isn't getting bored or something like that.

Evan doesn't know how much time passes as they walk from tree to tree, Evan talking up a storm. Usually, Evan would either be on his own or in the middle of a panic attack by this point, but Connor just has an aura around him. To Evan, it's like Connor just doesn't care, about what he does, or what anyone else does. It's relaxing almost, feeling that there aren't any expectations. Evan doesn't have to try and push through the stutter, he doesn't have to shut himself up before he rambles on for too long, because that doesn't matter to Connor.

It's nice. This is nice. There's no other way Evan can put it.

Eventually though, Evan runs out of trees, and he doesn't have a clue where they've ended up. When he voices his concerns to Connor though, the boy just smirks.

"Don't worry, I know this place like the back of my hand. The exit it just over there, but not like we'll need it." Connor points behind him, but Evan is more concerned with the fact that somehow, he has forgotten about Connor's magic again. Could he get any dumber?

"W-what time is it?" Evan asks, plucking one of the many germanium buds blossoming in his hair.

After checking his phone, Connor mutters, "We have two hours until school ends."

"T-that's good. Um- is there anything you wanted to do? I-I've kinda been t-talking for a while, so your probably tired of listening to me. I wouldn't mind doing something else, as long as you're okay with it. I'm not trying to say we have to do something else- we can, but- we don't, you know, have to." Evan picks at his cast, repressing the flowers that try to erupt in even greater numbers across his scalp.

"Can we just- lay down for a while. I'm fucking exhausted." As if to prove his point, Connor yawns, stretching his back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk for so long- thinking about it now, that must have been really annoying to listen to for that long. Now you're tired- sorry- and I'm kind of tired too so it works out."

"Good." Connor says, before promptly flopping down to the ground, his arms spread out wide in the grass. "But did you know you apologize too much?"

"Sor- yeah." Evan says, laying down in the grass himself. The stalks reach up in greeting, tickling against his skin welcomingly. "Y-you've said that before."

Connor hums, and when Evan turns his head, he's surprised to find Connor staring intently at the grass stalks, which were still enjoying the movement that Evan's presence granted them.

"How… how do you do that?" Connor asks, and Evan almost has to lean in closer to catch it. "Have your magic out all the time? Don't you get tired?"

"T-the doctors said that I have l-larger magic reserves than most people. But it m-makes my m-magic stronger than most people's. Uh, it's like my magic runs a-all the time, but it only does because I have e-extra reserves." Evan pokes at the grass as he speaks, keeping his eyes away from Connor. "If I use t-too much power at o-once it's a p-problem."

"Have you ever done that?"

Evan winces, something that doesn't go unnoticed.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Evan almost takes the out Connor gave him, but then he remembers what he had said to Connor yesterday. He doesn't want to go against the agreement that he made, and besides, this is Connor. Connor gets it, more than his mom or Dr. Sherman ever would. "N-no, I- I want- I want to talk about it."

Evan swallows, trying to get his mind to slow down and turn his thoughts into coherent words. "I only o-overused it once, when I b-broke my arm. I was- I was just sitting there on the ground thinking, 'Someone's coming for me. Any minute now they'll find me.'"

Evan shakes his head to Connor's unasked question. "It's funny- really- because no one did. I was just lying there, waiting for someone who was never going to come. Once my arm got b-bad enough my magic acted on its own." Evan smiles, the only pleasant memory he has from the whole affair replaying itself in his mind. "The trees, they were all reaching out for me- it was amazing to see- the grass and other plants did too. I don't think my arms had ever been more covered in vines. It's what saved me- my magic- it apparently spread across half the state park. It lead the other r-rangers to me. Mom said if I had been there for much longer, the s-shock and blood loss would have…"

"Holy fuck." Connor whispers.

"Y-yeah, they had to keep me in intensive c-care for a few days to make sure my magic didn't start eating at my body." Evan gives a weak chuckle at that, one that Connor only narrows his eyes to.

"Not just that, your magic managed to cover half the fucking park?"

"Sh-shocker, right?"

Connor goes quiet, looking back up at the trees above them. Right before Evan can say anything, Connor blurts out.

"I used to come here with my family when we were kids. Me and Zoe would run around and play tag and all of that crap."

"That's n-nice." Evan offers, but he knows it falls flat from the way Connor's face tightens.

"Until my fucking magic shows up with my issues and everything fell apart."

"Oh."

"Whatever. I didn't mean to dump all my baggage. Let's just relax." Connor closes his eyes, resting his hands on his stomach.

"I-it's okay- to talk about it, I mean. I don't mind." Evan says softly, and although Connor doesn't open his eyes, he mutters a quiet "Thanks" that has Evan smiling again.

Evan can't sleep, but he's perfectly content to fiddle with the plants while sneaking glances at Connor from time to time to ensure that he was sleeping. He finally remembers to send his mom a message on why he had left school- because he hadn't been feeling well- and reassures her that he can still make his therapy appointment. He's going to have to take the bus because it's too far to walk, and the chances of him asking Connor to take him are nearing zero.

Connor is still sleeping as the time that school ends approaches. Evan is loath to wake him, because Connor looks at peace, but Evan can't miss this appointment. He makes a compromise by letting the grass around Connor reach up and poke him until he blearily opens his eyes.

"The fuck?" Connor growls at the grass, and Evan makes the stalks back away from him.

"Sor- um, hello?" Evan gives a nervous smile, and Connor relaxes.

"Hi. Time to go?" Connor stretches, sighing softly.

"A-almost."

Connor stands, and Evan follows soon after, making sure he didn't leave his backpack behind.

When Evan looks at Connor again, Connor is grinning from ear to ear. And Evan knows it's rude, but a part of him wants to ask if anything is wrong. Not that Connor smiling is wrong, but it's just kind of rare, which is sad, because Connor actually has a nice smile.

"I feel fucking great. Holy shit that was a good nap." Connor whispers, smiling all the while. He glances at Evan though, and pauses, as if he's suddenly realizing the lighthearted bounce in his step.

"You s-seem happy." Evan supplies, and the sudden tenseness in Connor's form disappears.

Connor shrugs, but then his eyes light up, and he continues. "Hey, there's and ice cream place right next to here. You want to get some before we go back?"

"I-if you want to." Evan says, his hand tightening around the strap of his backpack. Honestly, ice cream sounds delicious, but he's not going to say that.

"Good, because I'm starving." Connor says, speed walking towards what Evan assumes is the exit.

Before Evan can follow though, a nearby tree stops him. It's near death, it's branches thin and brittle. Evan can't help but supply it with magic, smiling as new life trickled through it. Soon, the branches all have new leaves sprouting from them, and the bark was almost shining with energy.

"Evan! You coming?" Connor calls, and Evan turns, then promptly freezes.

Connor is a good distance away, but Evan can still see the smile on his face. His brain has seemingly stopped working though, because with the wind blowing Connor's hair back and the frame of a forest surrounding him, all Evan can think that Connor looks really, really pretty.

And Evan really, really doesn't like the next thought that pops into his head.

Oh fuck.

He is so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Germanium: Stupidity
> 
> And we finally have the realization :D
> 
> Connor saying Evan instead of Hansen at the end is 100% intentional
> 
> A bit on Alana. I have a whole character arc for her planned out, one that I know I won't be able to fully touch on in this. And honestly, I really, really want to write it. So that will be appearing as a oneshot after I finish this. I also think I want to do a oneshot about the Cynthia, Larry, and Heidi, but that's more up in the air.


	7. You Don't Get What This Is All About

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone just kill me now honestly *sigh*
> 
> School is the reason why this is a month late. Have I said how much I dislike school yet? I feel like i should say that more. I mean, i appreciate it but the workload could be a little easier mentally.
> 
> Regardless, i am still alive and this fic is not dead! The next chapter will be from Connor's point of view.
> 
> Also kids don't lie to your therapist they're only there to help you I swear.

Evan isn't panicking. He isn't panicking. Certainly not over anything like a crush. Why on earth would anybody think that?

He's fine, he's is 100 percent completely fine. Nothing is wrong here. Nope. Never.

His feet carry him along unconsciously, letting him trail behind Connor while Evan desperately tries and fails to get his thoughts in order.

So what, if Connor looks pretty? A lot of things look pretty, like flowers and trees and sunsets and bird feathers. Just because Connor is now in that category isn't a big deal. It isn't. It isn't.

So why does it have to be such a big deal?

He just needs to calm down, but calming down has never been his specialty, so honestly he doesn't know why he thought he would be able to calm down now. The vines around his arms are wriggling wildly, full of bushy, vibrant leaves. Flowers are blooming and wilting in his hair at an alarming rate, scraps falling behind Evan as he walks. The type of flower changes too, and Evan sees everything from coreopsis to rose petals. And that only makes him more panicked because even if he doesn't know what coreopsis means, he sure as hell knows what a rose stands for, and that's exactly what he does not want to think about.

They are outside the park now, pushing through a rusty gate that looks far too old to still be standing. Evan isn't any calmer now, and he only starts to panic more when he realizes that Connor is going to look back any second and know that Evan is panicking and then Evan will have to explain why he's panicking and he can't say that Connor is the reason because then Connor will ask why and- Evan has to stop, he's breathing to fast and world is spinning around him.

"Hansen? Evan?" Oh god, this is the worst outcome of them all. Connor is here, Connor is here and Evan is still panicking. Except now Evan can't make words besides for the frantic muttering of "In for four out for five."

"Fuck, you're having a panic attack, aren't you?" Connor's voice is distant, hard to hear over the buzz of Evan's erratic thoughts. "What do you need?"

Evan shakes his head because all he wants is for this to not be happening but it is and all he can focus on is telling his chest to move in and out, to fill his lungs with air and then push that air out again.

Something warm bushes against him, and Evan jerks away, fear coursing through him. He can see flecks of green thorns jumping to his defense, and faintly hears a pained hiss.

"Do you mind if I talk?" Evan shakes his head. He still wishes Connor didn't have to see this, but since Evan can't avoid it, having something besides for his plants to help ground him might be nice.

"I'll just be honest here, I don't really know what to say. Fuck. I don't think that matters though? I'm pretty sure I read that the tone of the voice is more important than anything else. Don't quote me on that though, seriously. Wikipedia can be shit sometimes, actually half the time. It works when you need to bullshit a history project though."

Connor's voice doesn't magically chase away the panic sifting through his bloodstream, but it lets Evan know that he's still here, and not going to die anytime in the next few minutes.

"Wow, your plants do not seem happy." Connor comments, and Evan manages to crack his eyes open just enough to see masses of thorny vines curling themselves around him, sharp edges pointed outwards. Evan wishes he could stop them but his breathing isn't getting any better and he doesn't have the energy nor the mental capacity to pull them back. He can't even get out an apology.

Connor doesn't mention the plants again though, and with Evan's eyes going back to being screwed shut, he can only assume that Connor doesn't mind. In fact, Connor just keeps rambling, even when Evan fails to give him any sort of response. It's different, but in a good way. His mom is the only one who ever bothers to stay with him during an attack, although, not like anyone ever sees his attacks if Evan can help it.

By the time Evan's breaths have calmed enough, he has no clue how much time has passed. But as usual, a miniature garden blossoming around him. He is reluctant to retract the plants immediately, but Connor is waiting for him and Evan has already held him long enough. He cuts off the plants from his magic, watching as a tangled mess of wilted flowers and vines drops onto the ground, soon shriveling into near nonexistence.

"You okay?" Connor asks, and Evan starts.

"U-um, yea-yes I'm f-fine- j-just fine, you don't n-need to worry ab-about m-me, n-nope." Even to his own ears, Evan sounds like an idiot, no matter what he might sound like to Connor.

"School doesn't get out for another 10 minutes or so. Still want ice cream?" Connor's hands are clenching and unclenching, and his eyes can't seem to settle for looking at any one place, the only real signs Evan has that Connor is even bothered at all.

"S-sure."

Connor stands, and Evan follows, although on much shakier legs. Connor sighs, his hands unclenching. "Look, I don't exactly know how to deal with stuff like that, but I'd rather be doing something than sitting around like a useless piece of shit. So could you, like, tell me what to do next time? So I can do something at least."

"Y-you helped a l-lot, a-and it's not l-like there's a s-set guide for th-these things." Evan's hands are back at the hem of his shirt, tugging away incessantly.

"But what about you?"

"Y-you don't h-have t-to. It pro-probably w-won't happen again an-anytime s-soon." Evan stumbles conveniently leaving out the part of him that whispers,  _at least not when you're here._

All Connor does is turn to look at Evan though, his eyebrows silently raised, waiting for Evan to continue.

"No touch." Evan blurts out after the pressure is too much. "D-don't touch the plants- p-please. T-talking helps."

"Got it. Anything else?"

"N-not real-really." Bilberry flower petals fall to the ground as Evan begins to walk again, but he refuses to let their weight sink him down. Connor doesn't know what they mean, so it doesn't matter anyways.

The rest of their walk is spent in silence, that is, until Evan recognizes the tiny little sign reading "A La Mode."

"Is- did we g-go to G-grace Orchard? Th-that place has b-been closed fo-forever. We're n-not supposed to b-be there. What i-if-" Evan's mind is starting to sink into another panic before Connor cuts in with a bored tone and a shrug.

"It's fine. Nobody even comes by anymore. Even if they did, not like they would care."

"B-but We r-really shouldn't j-just intrude l-like that." Evan mutters, and Connor pauses for a second.

"Why not? The trees were only there for people to look at, and we looked at them. No harm done." Connor responds easily.

"I g-guess." Evan agrees weakly.

"Did you at least enjoy it? Besides for the part where I ditched you for sleep." Connor looks ahead, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets. "Not like we have to go back there anyways."

"It w-was nice." Evan replies, truthful. The park itself had been beautiful, and lacking all the memories tied to the state park. It's close too, much closer than the state park considering its right next to A La Mode.

As Connor opens the door and walks inside the shop, Evan adds on, "I w-wouldn't m-mind c-coming here again. As- as long as it's a-after school."

"That's good." Connor remarks, stopping a few feet away from the counter. "What are you getting?"

"Oh, I d-don't really have…" Evan wants to smack himself, because he doesn't bother to bring his wallet with him and now Connor is going to have to pay for anything Evan gets. Peonies blossom in his hair, and his face burns. "I d-don't have m-my wallet."

"So? This place is cheap anyways. My  _parents-_ " Connor rolls his eyes at that, something that puzzles Evan. "can afford to lose five bucks. I'm serious, don't worry about it." Connor punctuates his point with a meaningful glare, as if he already knows what Evan had been planning to say in rebuttal.

"Y-you don't h-have to. I'm n-not h-hungry." Evan says, ignoring the little twist his stomach gives at that. He can eat later, maybe tomorrow morning after the after effects of a therapy visit wear off.

"Fuck that. You deserve some ice cream." Connor announces to the empty restaurant, save for the one guy running the counter, but he has his nose buried in his phone.

"F-for what?" Evan asks, and Connor looks at him like he just said the dumbest thing on the planet.

"Really Hansen? Really?"

"W-what?" Evan puts his hands up in front of his chest, a shaky smile on his face as he wracks his mind for anything out of the norm that he would 'deserve' ice cream for.

"Nothing." Connor sighs, but it's playful and light hearted. "But you're getting some ice cream. Unless you feel like puking or something, do you?"

"N-no." Evan admits, and Connor nods in triumph.

With a playful sigh of his own, Evan quickly says, "Mint chocolate chip."

"I thought you would be more of a vanilla guy." Connor comments, and Evan wraps his fingers around the hem of his shirt, feeling self-conscious.

"Eh." Is all Evan can say, giving a half-hearted shrug.

Without another word, Connor walks up to the guy working the counter. All Evan hears is Connor's barked order of one mint chocolate chip and one plain chocolate cone. The guy drones out some number near ten dollars, and Evan's guilt is back no matter how many times he tells himself that Connor had said it was all right.

"Th-thank you f-for-" Evan gestures between him and the cashier, trying to get his point across. "-this."

"You dealt with my shit. And that's fucking saying something." Connor snorts. "You're fine. Besides, you didn't want to talk to him anyways, did you?"

"N-not really. People aren't m-my thing." Evan says, a wobbly smile on his face. "Except, I th-thought you'd be more of a coffee k-kind of guy?"

"Coffee only belongs in drinks hot enough to burn your tongue off." Connor deadpans back, and Evan gives a chuckle. Their ice cream is ready right afterwards, and Evan inches towards one of the tables in the far corner, away from the windows.

Connor sits at the table Evan had been leaning towards, setting Evan's bowl across from him. Evan relaxes slightly, taking comfort in their hidden little alcove of a booth.

Conversation drags a little by normal standards, but to Evan, it is simply becoming the average interaction with Connor. With short quick comments made on Connor's end and fumbled responses on Evan's. It's nice though, and near the end, Evan has almost forgotten about taking small bites as to not look like a slob.

Then Connor's sleeve rolls up a little, and Evan sees a hint of dried blood lining a thin scrape.

"Is- w-was that because of m-my thorns?" Evan says, already knowing the answer.

"So?" Connor shrugs, absentmindedly licking the last bits of chocolate from his spoon.

"I'm sorry." Evan almost reaches across the table before remembering himself, and chooses to lean forward instead. "I didn't mean to h-hurt you."

"Duh. You're magic just went a little nuts trying to protect you, so does everybody else's. It doesn't matter." Connor replies, hastily pulling his sleeve back up.

"S-sorry though." Evan repeats, and only gets raised eyebrows and an exasperated stare in return.

"Doesn't matter." Connor repeats, waving away Evan's concern.

As Evan goes to finish off his ice cream though, he suddenly remembers the conversation Alana had with him.

"A-alana wants to t-talk with you."

"Why? Oh- that." Connor almost looks surprised, but soon slumps with resignation. "I don't know. Why do you know that anyways?"

"She sort of c-came up to me- she knows we're f-friends because of her magic. She t-thought that I was the best choice? I'm not sure."

"Great. She's always been too nosy." Connor puts his chin on the table scowling.

"She s-said you shouted at her. You should apologize." Evan retorts and Connor's gaze shifts to glower at the table.

"I guess. Doesn't mean I want to."

"J-just 'cause you don't want to d-doesn't mean you shouldn't. You have to do things y-you don't like too." Evan looks at his empty bowl, tapping his spoon against the bottom.

"Doesn't mean I have to enjoy it." Connor grumbles.

"That's t-true."

Connor stands up grabbing Evan's bowl and dumping it in the trash. By the time he comes back Evan is already standing, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Where too?" Connor asks, reaching out his hand.

"Uh, Cherville road." Evan says internally debating whether or not to grab Connor's hand. Would that be considered weird now? Or is that normal? But he has keep a grip on Connor or else something will happen, Connor made that clear the first night they met. But what if Connor just somehow feels that something has changed. Evan doesn't think he can handle that. However, Connor is looking at him kind of strangely and now he knows something is up. So Evan's hand shoots into Connor's as quickly as possible.

Thankfully, Connor doesn't comment on it, nor the way that Evan is probably holding his hand a little too tight. They sink quickly into Connor's shadow, the man at the counter staring at them slack-jawed.

Connor is smirking most of their short trip, and Evan tries to recall if Connor had taken the time to flip the man off or not. Evan can't really remember it either way and even if he could, he isn't sure what he would say about it.

"P-please, can you talk to Alana. She j-just wants to someone to work with for the project." Evan pleads one last time before they part ways.

"Why do you care so much?" Connor asks, narrowing his eyes.

"It's the r-right thing to do." Evan supplies, sighing. "A-and if you don't s-she'll probably come back and keep asking me to ask you. Then she'll get Zoe with her, and Zoe is s-scary when she's mad- I saw her last year at the jazz band concert- she was really good- and she almost got into a fight with a senior who started yelling at Alana- something about her magic. Oh, a-and then you might fight w-with Zoe too." Evan swallows, the scenes from the library appearing fresh in his mind.

"Zoe's tough as fuck." Connor snorts at that, eyes alight with something akin to pride. "She better not take shit from anybody. But sure, I'll talk to Alana, whatever." Connor scoffs. "Damn, I forget how close they are. I'm surprised Zoe hasn't already come bitching about it already."

"That's good then, I g-guess." Evan breathes out, waving a little awkwardly. "See you tomorrow?"

"See ya'" Connor returns, sinking into the shadows so quickly it's almost like he disappeared instantaneously.

Evan doesn't get long to think about that though, because his session is scheduled in five minutes and he cannot be late. At least this time he isn't stuck recovering from a bus trip. More often than not his mom couldn't drive him to Dr. Sherman's office, but Evan isn't about to skip a session and get scolded. So, he is normally stuck taking the public bus from near his school all the way here. His mom thinks he gets a ride from Jared though, so it isn't like he can complain to her- as if he would ever complain to her face about things like this.

Dr. Sherman's office is a small, plain thing from the outside. Somewhere you could blink and miss when you drove by it. But it's grown familiar over the years that Evan has been one of Dr. Sherman's patients.

Evan hates waiting in the office though. There's something about the receptionist's eyes that always makes him feel like she's dissecting him, picking apart his flaws and sins and laying them out for Dr. Sherman and the public to see. It's unsettling to say the least, but at least she tends to keep her gaze focused on the computer.

"Dr. Sherman should be done in a few moments." The receptionist- Mrs. Adame snaps, her fingers clacking against the key board.

Evan only nods, shoving himself into an open chair in the corner, far away from the few people still lingering. Evan has tried to strike up a conversation before, mostly with recommendation from his mom or Dr. Sherman, but none of them have ended too well.

The aftertaste of the ice cream still sits on Evan's tongue, and the mint flavor manages to get a small smile out of him. Surprisingly though, the whole afternoon wasn't a disaster, besides near the end. Evan could have done much, much better without some world changing revelations.

But of course, Evan can't keep his mind off the supposed crush. It probably isn't even a crush. If anything, it's just hormones messing with him again, or some weird side effect of the scenery surrounding Connor in that moment. Some traitorous voice in the back of his mind whispers otherwise though, pointing out just all the other times where Connor has just… existed and Evan has noticed him.

This is not the conversation Evan had wanted to have with himself when he woke up this morning. It looks like he's going to have it anyways, despite his reluctance.

The first issue, what does he do around Connor now? Will things just start changing on their own because of… whatever this is?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Obviously not. Change is not something Evan enjoys. Ever.

There's still the chance he's just overthinking things too. Connor is the first real friend Evan has made since… since Jared. And Jared is an entirely different story.

The most terrifying part of it all? Well, slightly more terrifying than everything else- which isn't a large difference in Evan's mind. But this only confirms his long-standing suspicions, ones that he has ignored and repressed for years.

It isn't that he's always though boys are cuter than girls, it's that he's never been attracted to any sort of girl. Idle thoughts maybe, but nothing more, even when he had been 8 and still sat on the park swings and watched the other kids run by him.

"Evan Hansen." Mrs. Adame calls, and Evan nearly falls out of his chair. The receptionist gives him a blank stare that makes his skin crawl. "Dr. Sherman can see you now."

Evan rushes into the back, embarrassed peonies blooming as he goes. As if he needs something else to draw people's attention.

The quick walk to Dr. Sherman's office isn't bad though, since the hallway is relatively empty and decorated with all sorts of inspirational posters. Potted plants are interspersed on the small tables down the hallway as well. The familiar sight helps him focus once more.

But nothing stops the subtle dread pricking at his fingers as he opens the door to where he and Dr. Sherman usually talk. There's nothing bad about Dr. Sherman, unless Evan makes one wrong move and ends up destroying the careful chain of slow yet steady recovery the he has been building with Dr. Sherman.

Because Evan has to get better. He has to.

"Hello Evan." Dr. Sherman greets him with a relaxed smile. Evan's nerves are already tense though, and no amount of will power can stop them now.

"H-Hi." Evan shuffles in, quietly shutting the door behind him. Awkwardly, he takes his usual seat, setting his backpack by his feet. Of course, his magic takes the time to let apprehensive vines explore the chair arms. Bright nasturtium and white ivy bloom in his hair and on the vines.

The moment Evan starts to reel them back in though, Dr. Sherman stops him.

"You don't have to repress your magic Evan, especially not here. There is no need to hold it back."

"Okay." Evan mutters, reluctantly letting the vines and flowers bloom as they wish. Which is to say, they happily overflow the chair, feeding off his surging emotions.

"Do you have any of your letters with you?" Dr. Sherman asks, leaning forward slightly.

"Y-yeah." Evan opens his back pack, flipping through his folder until he can pull them out.

The session continues at its normal pace from there, with Evan trying his best to skirt around the whole truth with the more straightforward questions, and mix fiction and reality with the open-ended ones. Overall though, it goes better than Evan expected.

Still, he comes out frazzled, tired cyclamen sprouting. The bus ride only worsens it, even if the bus is almost empty. Evan crams himself into a window seat, trying to distract himself from the pressing awareness of every single idle passenger riding along with him.

Protective thorns have decided to wrap around his arms and shoulders, drawing the eyes of every person who walks by him. Their stares only make the thorn bristle, which makes them stare more and then-

It's a painful journey, to say the least.

By the time Evan gets back home, his mind is exhausted. It isn't even six o'clock though, and he still has math homework that needs to be done. The car is in the driveway, and Evan finds his mom sleeping on the couch. She must have gotten home just a few minutes ago, she probably hadn't even meant to fall asleep, given the facts that she's on the couch at all and still in her nurses' uniform. Evan makes sure to grab a blanket and drape it over her before heading to his room.

Once there, Evan places his bag on the ground and crawls into bed, staring up at the ceiling. He can do homework in a few minutes, now all he wants to do is rest and try to clear his mind.

His phone buzzes, startling him out of his reverie. Who would be texting him now? Evan's only guess is Jared, but even that seems unusual.

Evan forces himself out of his bed, because as much as he wants to rest right now he can't chance missing something important.

When he actually gets to his messages though, he blinks, then blinks again.

**Unknown Number: this is connor**

**Unknown Number: hi? idk**

Evan saves Connor as a contact, but is then with the looming question of what he should send back. Should he send back a simple greeting, or would that be weird? Connor doesn't appear confident either, but maybe he's just trying to make it look that way. Evan doesn't exactly know why Connor would do something like that, but that's not the issue right now.

It takes him a good 15 minutes and about 30 typed, erased, then retyped messages for him to finally decide on something.

**You: Hello**

Evan sets his phone back down, a sigh escaping his lips. Now that he's up he may as well start his homework. Math isn't something that comes easily to him, no matter how hard he works at it. Doing homework for the class stresses him out, and by the time he's done he just wants to collapse again.

Before that though, his phone buzzes. Evan opens it to another message.

**Connor: do u wanna skip tomorrow?**

At least the answer to that is easy, since his mom will just get suspicious if he skips school twice in the same week. Besides, he has a practice essay in English, and that is not something he can miss.

**You: I'm sorry, but I can't miss school tomorrow. My mom will ask me about it and I'm not good with her questioning me. There's also a practice essay in English that I can't miss. Sorry.**

**Connor: nbd ill just go on my own it's cool**

**Connor: you dont have to say sorry**

**Connor: essays suck tho**

**Connor: why the fuck should I have to analyze some poetry bullshit**

**Connor: who says it has to symbolize anything what if they were just high or something? its not that complicated. sometimes a tree is just a tree for gods sake**

Evan chuckles at that, still slightly worried that Connor may be mad at him, but also more concerned with the fact that Connor seems to skip school so much.

**You: Sadly, I need it to graduate.**

**Connor: graduation? whos that? haven't met her**

**Connor: theres no way I make it through this year tbh**

**You: You seem pretty smart though.**

**Connor: idk but my effort is -200%**

**Connor: not like I care anyways**

**You: You shouldn't say that. School is important, especially if you want to make it as an adult. You could still bring your grades up this year.**

**Connor: its too late now**

**Connor: it really doesn't matter**

**You: Ok. You probably could though, if you want to.**

**Connor: ill think about it**

**Connor: thanks anyways**

**You: No problem.**

**Connor: see you tomorrow**

**You: See you :)**

Evan plugs his phone into his charger, not even bothering to change before curling up in his blankets. Once settled, he sighs once more. He knows nothing he says is bound to change Connor's mind, but Evan still wishes he could help somehow.

But that thought just circles back to this stupid crush that Evan possibly has developed. With a groan, he rolls over.

He already knows this will go nowhere. There's not a chance of this developing, so for both their sakes he needs to sleep it off. If anything, Evan knows that adding something as ridiculous as a crush will only double his general anxiety about things.

With that in mind, Evan closes his eyes, determined to fall asleep and let this thing die on its own.

Friday goes well, at least in Evan's terms. There's no sign of Jared anywhere, which is strange but kind of relieving, given that now he doesn't have to deal with the rude comments and constant reminding that they were "family friends." Alana even flashes him a smile when they pass in the hall on Evan's way to lunch. He assumes that she and Connor settled things, or maybe she had just been smiling to someone behind him, it's a gamble really.

Him and Connor spend lunch together in the student parking lot together. Connor begrudgingly admits that he and Alana are at least back on speaking terms, even if he still mutters that "She's an annoying goody two shoes."

Despite that though, Connor seems to be in a good mood, something that makes Evan happy as well, for both him and Connor. He fails to convince Connor to stay at school for the rest of the afternoon, but that had been a doomed mission from the start, Evan thinks.

Even better, Evan's managing to shove his not-crush into the background. Sure, he's a little jumpier than before, and he may or may not have stared at Connor more than what's socially acceptable, but in his defense, he's just hoping after today, whatever feeling this is will vanish. It's had its course for long enough in Evan's opinion.

When he gets home he manages to eat a light snack, soothing his aching stomach for a while. His mom gets home around 11, fresh out of night class. It's a surprise; apparently, the professor had ended the class early out of the blue. She is almost mad at Evan for staying up, at least until he reveals that he had stayed up to ask her a question.

It isn't lying, because he really does want to confirm that she'll be home Tuesday so Connor can come over, but she doesn't need to know he's staving off the inevitable nightmares as well.

To Evan's relief, his mom just smiles and reassures him that she will be there if Connor can come over around 5.

It takes him almost all of Saturday and part of Sunday to build up the courage to ask Connor about coming over on Tuesday over text. It's pretty anticlimactic, Connor agreeing only moments after Evan sends the message. For once things are going reasonably well.

Then it all comes to a head Monday.

Jared texts Evan that afternoon, following another school day spent with no glimpse of Jared on Evan's part.

**Jared: Come over**

**You: Sure.**

Evan doesn't exactly have an excuse, with his mom still out and his homework done. But as soon as Evan shoves his phone into his cargo shorts, an anxious buzz begins to build under his skin. Jared asking him to come over isn't a big deal; when its coupled with days without any sort of contact it becomes a little bigger of a deal. It is… uncomfortable, to say the least.

Jared's house is a shorter walk than Evan would have liked it to be, but by the time he gets there his arms are covered in thorny vines, barely a hint of skin or cast showing. Evan can feel the flowers in his hair, but he hasn't bothered to check and see what flowers are blooming now.

Before he knocks, Evan forces the vines to shrink back, and disconnects the flowers sitting in his hair. He collects the dead flowers and shoves them into another pocket. They vaguely resemble rhododendrons. Whatever they had been, Evan knows how Jared loves to give him a hard time for any sort of plant that he grows.

Now flower-less and mostly vine free, Evan knocks, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot, hands tugging at his shirt.

Jared opens the door with a dry, bitter stare Evan is sure he doesn't deserve.

"Hey." Jared turns, leaving Evan to follow him into his room. Evan does, if a little hesitantly.

"I haven't seen y-you in a few days." Evan offers as they step inside Jared's room. The floor is a cluttered mess of electronics and discarded papers as usual.

"Yeah." Jared says, a short, airy laugh following the statement. Evan narrows his eyes, annoyance bubbling over to the surface. It's not as if he's done anything to bring on this harsh of a treatment.

Jared sits on his bed, and Evan takes his own seat on the other end.

"Are you doing okay?" Evan asks limply, making sure the angry thorns didn't scratch up Jared's bed.

"Really? After you've been ditching for your shooter boyfriend for most the week? Nice try." Jared snorts, and something in Evan snaps. After years of dealing with the pettier sides to Jared's personality, of ignoring the arrogance, the constant desire to shove Evan down further, the distancing, and now Jared wants to be mad because Evan is reaching out past him?

"Why are you mad? It's not like you care- you haven't cared since we got into High School. I'm just here to pay off your car insurance. Besides Connor's not even anything like a shooter or anything, he's- he's- he's nicer to be around than you are." Evan takes in a breath, the first after beginning to speak.

Jared's face twists, and he bites back with "We are still friends jackass. Don't you think it's a dick move to just abandon me the first chance you get?"

"We're 'family friends' Jared- you're the one who points that out and you're always leaving to hang out with your 'real friends.' Why do you even care if me and Connor are friends?" Evan stands, the thorns on his arms lashing out. Evan can see the various screens in Jared's room flashing, switching from black to static to red and then back to black so the cycle can repeat itself.

"You know what- fuck you Evan. It's not that hard to figure out. God dammit." Jared is shouting now, facing Evan with his hands clenched at his side.

Evan can't think straight anymore, well thought out comebacks sinking underneath the storm of emotions and stray thoughts. Still, he manages to snap back, "This is what I'm talking about. IF you're just going to do stuff like this, why'd you even invite me? What's the point?"

"I don't even know." Jared sighs. "Just get out of here already, and take your flowers with you."

Evan waits, a tiny part of him hoping that Jared will apologize and they can work this out. Jared never has been one for apologies though, and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon. Evan leaves without another word, disregarding the petunia petals that drift to the floor as he does. Jared's parents love his flowers.

His hands are still trembling when he reaches the end of the sidewalk. Evan clutches the end of his shirt, releasing the breath he had been holding in. Before he abandons the neighborhood completely to go find a heavily forested area to clear his head, he spares Jared's house one last glance.

It's strange how normal and innocent it looks from this distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bilberry: treachery
> 
> Peony: shame
> 
> Rhododendrons: danger
> 
> Cyclamen: resignation
> 
> Petunia: resentment


	8. You Don't Gain A Single Thing From Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so apparently I can only get a chapter out a month. Thanks school >:( 
> 
> This chapter is a little shorter because I glossed over some of the events at the end because I just wanted to get it done. Enjoy! And happy holidays!!

Connor can tell something is off with Evan. This morning, when Connor had approached Evan in the halls before school, Evan had looked like he was looking for something and trying to hide at the same time.

Even now, as they sit in the student parking lot, Connor on someone's car and Evan on the ground next to it, Evan keeps shifting. He fidgets with his hands, fingers running over the edge of his kaki shorts or his cast, switching between them at times. Connor munches on another saltine cracker, wondering how he should ask the question that's been nagging him.

But subtlety has never been a skill of his, so he doesn't bother to try and learn it now. "What's wrong?"

Evan jumps, Connor's question startling him out of his thoughts. "What?"

"What's wrong?" Connor repeats, taking the last cracker before continuing. "You seem like something's bothering you."

"It's nothing." Evan swallows. "Nothing important."

"Spill it. It's obvious something happened." Connor tucks away the container, noting the fear that shadows over Evan's face.

"Ob-obvious?"

"To me." Connor shrugs, and Evan relaxes slightly.

"It should blow over soon." Evan mutters, drawing into himself. "Hopefully."

"Let me guess." Connor rests his arms on his thighs, holding out a closed fist. He raises one finger, "Parents," he raises the next finger, "school," the third finger goes up, "or Kleinman."

There it is. Evan flinches, and Connor narrows his eyes.

"It's not a b-big deal, really- well, maybe it's a little bit of a big deal since Jared suddenly hates me for no reason but I can't figure out why. I have an idea or two but none of them really give him a right to be mad considering all the stuff he's-" Evan stops, eyes wide. "W-well, I mean, it's not-"

"What did he do?" Connor snaps, butting Evan off. "Sorry." He mutters as an afterthought. "It isn't you."

"He just got m-mad and-" Evan is stopped by the bell this time, to Connor's annoyance. He jumps to his feet, snatching his bag from where it had been sitting on the ground beside him. Connor slides off the trunk of the car, grabbing his messenger bag and lazily swinging it over his shoulder.

"Are you going to class or…?" Evan asks, trailing off instead of voicing the second half.

Connor considers it, then gives a half-hearted grunt in response. "I guess."

"That's good!" Evan smiles.

"Is it?" Connor shoots back.

"Y-yes, it is." Evan stands his ground, a hint of thorns peeking out from his fingertips. "You h-have to go to class if you want to do b-better in school."

Connor raises his eyebrows, it's nice, but Evan's apparent faith in Connor's academic abilities is completely unfounded if you ask Connor. He's gone most of his life half-assing his classes. Even if he wants to get his shit together now, it's far, far too late.

Connor can't really find something in him that cares about that though, so he's never given it much thought. As him and Evan part ways though, Connor can feel his lips quirking upwards in a smile that's almost genuine. It's weird, but not completely unwelcome? Connor doesn't try to sort through those kinds of emotions as much.

His afternoon classes go by painfully slow, and Connor honestly considers just slipping through one of shadows in the school hallways. By that point though, he's already lasted most of the day so he might as well stick around for the next hour and a half.

In his sixth period, he draws a messy scribble of some demon-esque figure that resembles Jared. Connor scratches it out, probably with a little more ferocity than he intended, considering that the old lady subbing for the period gives him an odd glance.

Connor's never liked Jared, ever since they halfway met in eighth grade. Jared has always been kind of a prick, at least whenever Connor had been stuck in any area near him. All Jared has is sharp jabs for anyone he comes across. At least Connor has some sense of when to keep his mouth shut.

Connor shouldn't be getting this defensive, not like his track record with Evan is much better- at least from what he knows- so seriously, he should just let Evan handle whatever happened on his own. He has other things he needs to worry about.

Still, that doesn't stop the itch under his hands that makes him want to punch something. Connor settles for snapping his pencil instead.

That reminds him, Alana is coming over afterschool to work on that stupid project as of this morning. Wonderful. One barely coordinated apology and she had jumped on board to do the project with him. Mr. Reyes hadn't been any help either, only saying the project had to be done in a group or else no grade would be given. It's bullshit, considering Zoe is going to be breathing down his neck the entire time, or giving Alana doe-eyes. Connor can't decide which one is worse.

Then his parents will be a whole other issue. His mother should be fine, but Larry is going to be giving him some sort of lecture after Alana leaves. And if Connor doesn't sit through at least the first half he'll only get hell later for it, even though Connor is sure that Larry has already gone through his list of prepared speeches and is now just recycling them.

At least he might not have to listen as long since its Alana. Zoe's already brought the girl over too many times for Connor to remember. For now, he shoves of what might happen later in favor of drawing some ugly demon with a ring of flowers and intestines looped around its neck.

When at last the final bell rings, Connor is ready to bolt into the nearest shadow the moment he gets away from the crowd, but he's stopped when he got about halfway down into said shadow.

"Connor! I just wanted to confirm the time we're meeting up." Alana plows towards him, already smiling. Connor scowls, lifting himself out of the shadow.

"Five." He spits out.

"That works for me." Alana agrees, her eagerness grating against Connor. "I might be a bit early, since tutoring ends at four thirty and it's simpler to go straight from there to your house. It's better to get projects done early anyways, I learned that freshman year in Earth Space Science. I had Mr. Moore, did you have him? Or did you opt out of the class? Anyways, I actually have to get to tutoring now so I'll see you a little before five."

She scoots away with a wave, one that Connor turns away from. The trip home is nice and quiet, considering there was nothing else beneath the shadows besides for him. He doesn't bother with stepping inside the house, just going straight up to his room.

Once he throws his stuff down, he checks his phone for the time. With a sigh, he realizes it isn't even 3:10 yet.

He moves over to his desk, wondering if he should try drawing something. The movement somehow gets his mother's attention, and he grits his teeth as she calls out. "Connor? How was your day?"

Connor doesn't bother to answer her. Every day she asks the same question at one point or the other, and Connor's just tired of it. What was she expecting?

"Yes mother, my days are just getting better and soon I'll just be the perfectly happy little boy you've always wanted." Connor mocks under his breath before flopping into his bed.

"Connor?" His mother calls out one more time. Connor ignores her once again. Maybe he should text Evan while he waited. Connor turns on his phone, fingers flying over the keyboard. He sends the message before really reading over it, but it isn't that bad anyways.

 **You:** hey

Connor puts down his phone, trying to figure out if there was anything he wanted to do. His mind comes up blank though, so he supposes that answered that well enough.

He's almost at the 148th little ceiling spike before his phone buzzes.

 **Evan:**  Hi!

 **Evan:** Are you still coming over tomorrow?

 **Evan:**  My mom wants to know. I also want to know but my mom wants to make sure so that she can take off work. I probably should have just assumed yes since you said yes Sunday. Sorry.

 **You:** im still going

 **You:** not like i have anywhere else to b

 **You:**  and stop apologizing i dont care if you ask me again

 **You:**  like seriously i was counting the little ceiling spike bumpy things

 **Evan:** That's good! I'll see you then.

Connor assumes that their conversation is ending there and flings his phone over to his desk. His mother must have heard the noise but he doesn't hear her say anything. But he does hear when the front door closes, Zoe's obnoxious voice ringing throughout the house. Connor wishes he still had a door just so he could slam it.

He doesn't have a door though, so he settles for the next best thing and puts a pillow over his ears and turns to his side. Within a few moments his eyes are blearily drifting shut, and sleep comes too quickly for him to fight it off.

When he wakes up, it's to Larry's voice. Connor growls as he hears Larry announce that the office had and early day and how lucky it was. That's bullshit; now Connor just has to deal with him while Alana's here.

For once, Larry's first stop isn't Connor's room, and Connor sighs in relief when he hears Larry pass him by to go to the master bedroom.

Then he gets up and grabs his phone, groaning when he realizes it was right around 4:45, just when Alana had said she would be there.

And who would have guessed, two minutes later someone is at the door knocking and Connor can just feel that it's Alana. Zoe is already at the door before Connor is even out of his room.

"Hi Alana!" Zoe greets, ushering the older girl inside. She probably thinks Connor can't hear her whisper, "I'm sorry you stuck with him."

"I'm sorry I'm stuck with her too." Connor trudges down the stairs, glaring at the two with unimpressed eyes. Alana has what looks like her entire collection of school supplies resting in her arms; Connor wonders how she was able to knock at all.

"Fuck off." Zoe snaps back.

"Connor be nice to guests." His mother admonishes from the kitchen.

"Why the fuck do you care?" Connor shouts, and his mother gives a horrified gasp. "Connor!"

Connor ignores her, barely registering some grumble coming from Larry. The old bastard doesn't get involved when other people are around, like he's afraid of ruining his reputation or something. He turns back to Zoe and Alana, the latter seemingly rethinking some life choices and the former furious on her behalf. "Where are we doing this thing?"

"Dining room." Zoe cuts in. "I'm not leaving her alone with you."

Before Connor can spit back a comment, Alana speaks up with a strained voice. "I'm fine working wherever, as long as we can start on it. A sperate room might be nice so that we don't disturb Mrs. Murphy."

"My room then." Zoe decides, her chin tilted stubbornly.

"Whatever." Connor snarls, walking up the stairs again. By now he just wants to be done with this and it wasn't like he could stop Zoe from spying if she wanted to- which she definitely did. Zoe and Alana chatter incessably behind him, but they're following him anyways.

Connor plops himself down on Zoe's bed, crossing his arms as Zoe rounds on him.

"Off. Now." Zoe points to the floor adamantly. "I stay out of your room and you stay out of mine. Just cause Alana is here doesn't mean you get to act dumber than usual."

"Who the fuck is dumb here? Wouldn't you rather have 'lana on your bed than the floor." Connor takes full advantage of overhearing Zoe's nickname for the senior, and he gets the intended reaction.

"Shut up." Zoe sounds dangerously close to throttling him but Connor couldn't care less, smiling slightly. "Sit on the goddam bed if you want, but you get that corner." Zoe pointed to the furthest edge of the bed, and Connor scoots over. He might as well give her this.

"Okay." Alana is all business, unloading her supplies onto Zoe's bed. She turns to Zoe for a moment, "Do you want to sit with us or…?"

"I'll do some homework and make sure that dumbass doesn't try anything again." Zoe scoots back to her own desk, a pretty little thing decorated with old pictures of herself with friends or family, while Connor rolls his eyes.

"First question," Alana's focus is on Connor again, and he has to resist the urge to jump into the first shadow he can see and flee to do something else. "have you started to read the book?"

"Already read that shit in fifth grade. I remember most of it."

Alana looks impressed, it's a weird look to have directed at him. "Your memory must be excellent then. You should be excelling at your classes with a skill like that, but you don't seem to care much about your classes. That's not a very productive mindset, and plenty of studies show that your thoughts going into a classroom can greatly affect your performance in it. Of course, I also figured that out around middle school; in less scientific terms of course, but never the less it's something that I utilize to this day."

"Enough." Connor stops her. "What are we supposed to do for the actual project?"

"We have to each write an 800 word essay on the thematic symbols present throughout a book then make one combined essay or presentation to show the class." Alana ticks off the steps with her fingers. "Honestly we shouldn't have any trouble as long as we set a schedule and use our time constructively."

"Fine." Connor snaps. "So are we just going to make a crappy powerpoint or…?"

"Well, we could." Alana admits with a sideways glance that tells Connor everything he needs to know. "But it might be beneficial to both of us if we come up with a more creative presentation. Mr. Reyes stated that he would be giving extra credit to any that impressed him. I'm at a low A and the extra credit would be very useful. In fact-"

"Whatever." Connor cuts her off again. "I don't care."

"Okay then. We might as well start working on points for our essays." Alana pulls out a notebook and starts to write down bullet points. Connor is once again wondering why she even bothered to work with him at all.

After about 15 minutes Alana looks up and finally realizes that Connor hasn't moved an inch. "Aren't you going to start working?"

"Why? This isn't due for weeks." Connor shrugs, and Alana's eyes widen, her grip on the pencil tightening momentarily.

"Yes," Alana agrees, a frown creasing her face. "but it would be much more beneficial if we started it now. I have a lot of other projects due soon, as well as a multitude of school related activities that will be taking up a lot of my time. It would be much better if we started on this now rather than later."

"For you." Connor points out. "But not for me."

"I-"

Connor stands, walking out without another word. He goes straight into his room, and since it's right next to Zoe's, he can hear them talking in bits in pieces. He gets the general gist of it though.

Fine. Maybe he had been a little harsh, but none of what he said was wrong.

With a huff, he goes to his desk. He might as well try and draw something now.

* * *

He is fully immersed in a detailed drawing of a sea serpent. Meticulously drawing each and every jagged tooth set within its gaping jaw, and then coloring in where the bloodstains were.

"That's a good drawing." Alana's voice rings out from beside him.

"So?" Connor shoots back, trying to hide the fact that he had nearly jumped out of his seat.

"It is." Alana sighs. "I'm not being sarcastic."

Alana sits on his bed, and Connor immediately snaps. "Get off."

Alana ignores him though, staring at the ground with her eyes narrowed, shoulders hunched. She mutters, "There's a reason I wanted to partner with you."

Connor can't help but snort at that, his eyebrows rising. "Sure there is."

"You don't have to be angry or worried." Alana smiles.

"Forgot that you like to snoop around in people's heads." Connor growls, turning away with a glare.

"I can't stop it." Alana shoots back, and Connor thinks that's the first time he's ever heard her raise her voice. "Like when your head gets fuzzy."

Connor can't think of anything to say after that, but Alana continues like she already knows that- she probably does.

"You're not the most… welcoming person. You don't care much for other people and you're not afraid to show that. You tend to get bitter and angry whenever people approach you, even when they mean well. You lash out first and ask questions later."

"Are you always this blunt?" Connor asks.

"I've learned its better to be blunt when it comes to emotions." Alana explains, regret laced in her words. "But regardless, you do have a softer side."

Connor opens his mouth to retort, but Alana is the one cutting him off this time. "Don't get me wrong. You're tend to be a jerk most of the time. But I've seen you with Evan, and once or twice with Zoe- her mind tends to stay away from those kinds of memories though. Regardless it would be dumb to assume a person is completely evil."

"Your point?"

"I want to understand you." Alana continues at Connor's disbelieving expression. "People aren't easy for me get most of the time. My own head confuses me more than anything." Alana chuckles softly, and Connor can't quite keep up with her at this point, his mind still stumbling over her words. "Whenever I'm near enough to see your mind though, it's strange. Your mind- your mind is like a cloudy sky. Sometimes it's clear and easy to read, and sometimes there are so many clouds I can't even begin to get past them.

"It confused me a lot, and I won't lie and say that I didn't spend a lot of my time poking around your mind in class. That's why I never told Zoe what you said to me the first time I asked you about the project. Your head was so fuzzy I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I would be surprised if you could have then." Alana sighs. "I can relate, on a level."

"Not paying attention in class or the not telling Zoe anything?" Connor leans back, checking to make sure Zoe hasn't been standing outside the door the entire time.

"You're not the only one whose mind gets a little scrambled at times." Alana stands up and walks to the door way. She turns to leave after a moment of silence, and Connor lets her go.

Connor gets a lecture from Larry that night, berating him on his behavior towards Alana when she first arrived. He sits through all of it, but he doesn't bother to pay attention, his mind still a little stuck.

* * *

When he walks into school that morning, all he wants is for the day to pass by in peace. He's going over to dinner at Evan's house tonight, and as long as Larry doesn't stick his nose into it Connor should be fine. He just has to make sure to keep his mouth shut.

And surprisingly, it works. The day passes by with relatively no problems. Alana's stare lingers on him when he enters AP English though, and he glares at her for a moment before diverting his gaze. He doesn't let his eyes land on her for the rest of class.

Lunch with Evan goes as usual, which is to say, it's peaceful and gives Connor a chance to unwind.

Of course, trouble has a way of sneaking up on him, and Connor tenses as the hairs on the back of his neck stand, the static electricity almost tangible. He had been walking down the hallway on his way to meet Evan- they both figured that Connor might as well just go home with Evan if he was going to be there for dinner- and he had almost been to the doors.

"Dipshit." Connor greets, turning around with narrowed eyes.

"Fuckface." Jared returns, grimacing. The hall way is empty, so only him and Jared are there to stare each other down.

"What are you doing?" Connor asks, taking a step forwards and smirking when Jared inches back.

Jared doesn't back down completely though, in fact, he looks even angrier now, and he steps forward to match Connor. "Stay away from Evan."

Connor barks out a laugh, on that evolves into fully-fledged laughter. "Seriously? You're telling me to stay away from him? Isn't that what you've already been doing?"

"Everyone knows you're psychotic. A lunatic ready to snap." Jared snaps, and Connor's laughter cuts off immediately. "I don't know how Evan hasn't seen through it yet."

"Maybe because I can be a decent person when I'm not surrounded by assholes." Connor grits out, his hands clenched. His shadow squirms beneath him, begging to be unleashed and play around with Jared's awaiting one. He actively forces his magic back; he has to keep the upper hand, or Jared will only be proven right.

"Sure, says the kid who threw a printer in second grade." Jared rolls his eyes, and Connor can feel his desire to keep collected crack into little pieces.

The stink of Jared's breath clogs his nose as Connor shoves him against the nearest lockers. One arm lays across Jared's chest to keep him pinned, and Connor hisses, "That printer fucking fell. I didn't do shit."

"Really?" Jared is apparently feeling lucky enough to get away with a comment like that, and Connor digs his arm deeper into Jared's chest. Connor has his other arm pulled back, ready to swing and give Jared what he deserved. He pauses though, when he suddenly realizes he's doing exactly what Jared wants.

Connor's fist lands hard, denting the lockers right beside Jared's head. His teeth grind together to block the pained sounds that threatened to escape him. Shoving away from Jared, Connor snarls, "Whatever Kleinman. Just fuck off already."

As Connor begins to walk away though, he hears footsteps pound behind him. His magic flares up before Connor has even turned around, and by the time he does he's met with a frozen Jared, arm in a punching position, with Connor's shadow just touching Jared's.

"What the hell!" Jared grunts, and Connor watches him try and move. "What kind of creepy shit is this?"

"This is a warning." Connor spits out, a new wave of vehemence bubbling to the surface. He reaches out a hand, smirking slightly as he forces Jared's arms to come to his sides. "Stay away from me and from Evan if you know what's good for you. Nobody needs someone like you lurking around just to be a prick."

"Says you." Jared manages to slip out, and Connor masks his fury with a smug smile.

"Why don't we just take Evan up on this? On which one of us is actually a prick." Connor suggests, his smile growing as Jared pales. "You're an even bigger asshole then I am when it comes to him."

"You- you can't just waltz in here and steal him like that." Jared's face contorts and Connor actually thinks he can see tears forming.

"Steal? What the fuck do you think this is?" Connor jabs, ignoring Jared's pained expression, it means almost nothing to him when compared to the panic that Evan has been in for the past two days. "People leave you because they want to or you made them. Nothing else. Get the fuck over it already and get out of my face before I make you." Connor waves a hand, pushing Jared back against the lockers.

This time Connor doesn't bother with turning around, sinking into the nearest shadow as fast as he could. He's still fuming, leftover anger spilling over in the way he kicks and punches at the floor of his shadow realm.

He doesn't even have words to explain how utterly pissed off he is at Jared. God, he almost feels sorry for Jared though, Connor's life would have been much more difficult if he was that goddamn ignorant.

That's probably how everyone surrounding him feels.

Connor shakes his head. That isn't how he is.

But it is.

So when he slides up next to Evan, he tries to watch himself, to hold himself back. It doesn't work that well, and Connor knows he won't be able to keep up an kind of façade around anyone else. Because if Evan is giving him concerned looks as the stroll to his house, who knows how his family would react.

Still, Evan's house is small, cozy and homely. Part of Connor relaxes as he steps inside, the other part tenses up and shrinks back, hissing at everything Connor passed.

Evan is talking at a hundred miles an hour, stopping and checking Connor's face every few breaths.

"Hansen, you're fine. This is better than my room anyways." Connor stops Evan from his current ramble of how the plants in his room are probably kind of weird.

"G-good. That's good." Evan nods, almost to himself.

By the time Evan's mom gets home, Connor thinks he's gotten his act together. Evan offers to help with dinner and Connor follows suit, if with a little more of a forced lilt in his voice.

It's nice though. Evan's mom, or Ms. Hansen, is bright and cheerful. She asks both of them about their day when Connor was expecting her to only ask Evan.

Even at dinner, she keeps the conversation rolling.

"So Connor, how did you guys meet?"

Connor freezes, sending Evan a glance. Evan has gone white like a sheet, and Connor knows he's going to have to bullshit his way around the complete truth.

"The park."

"Oh, that sounds nice." It's clear Ms. Hansen wanted more details, but it should be just as clear that Connor and Evan aren't going to say much else on it.

By the time dinner is over, Connor is stuffed, and the sun is long set below the sky. He can't remember the last time he had actually enjoyed dinner, without strange new food fads and inevitable bickering.

"Thank you for dinner." Connor says on his way out, already knowing he'd stayed long enough for Larry to be annoyed.

"Thanks for coming." Evan returns, Ms. Hansen coming up too.

"No problem Connor, it was nice to have you over. Evan doesn't usually get guests."

"M-mom!" Evan squawks, a hint of red spreading across his cheeks.

"But really," Ms. Hansen looks at him, like Connor is worth more than even he knows, and Connor feels trapped under the kind stare. "thank you for being friends with him."

Connor pauses, noticing how the words, which should feel sweet and warm, ring hollowly in his ears despite their sincerity. She doesn't know what he's like. "It's nothing."

Connor slips into a shadow, not risking a look back to see how Ms. Hansen reacted to it. He would rather not see the disappointment or fear.

When he steps up from the shadows into his room though, Larry is the first thing he sees.

"Did you finally decide that you were going to tell us where you were going?" Larry huffs, and Connor knows he's in for a rough night. With a sigh, he snaps out a retort, steeling himself against the argument that's about to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note please tell me if I'm completely screwing up anyone's character. I get really nervous writing dialogue cause never feel like its true to character.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally spent almost an hour looking up flower meanings for this fic XD  
> Petunias often stand for anger and resentment. Aspen trees are often associated with fear. Peonies can represent shame, and also compassion.


End file.
